Khantib

Three

2011-01-21T20:51:00.024-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

It's been three years since we met. Thus far, previous anniversaries have been additionally significant. For our first, we had the civil ceremony, and for our second, we found out that I was pregnant again. As we are already wed and the fact that I have been banned from reproducing again this calendar year, there are really no more significant couple-esque milestones to report. I thought it relevant to at least respect and continue the theme of sharing, togetherness and unity on our anniversary.

I love my husband. Completely. I'm an absolute practitioner of the 'what's mine is yours' philosophy, sharing all we have. I've come to realize though that not all things are made for sharing just because they happen to be physically divisible.

With the theme being 'Three', these are my top three non-share items:

12 oz (355 ml) bottle of Coke
Due to my reduced intake of caffeine whilst pregnant, I was already on Coke portion control, so I ask, why would anyone expect me to share this teeny tiny (I'm in America now) bottle with them? The fact that I gave him two babies should allow me to maintain this 'non-sharing of Coke' practice with him until the end of time.

Monster Munch Crisps, Pickled Onion flavor (imported from the UK)
This is my most favorite packet of crisps ever. I quite clearly remember Jalal telling me that his favorite Monster Munch flavor was Roast Beef. He denies it now, most probably so he can eat (or worse still, share) my crisps after eating his own. So, I ask, if he has the choice of Roast Beef or Pickled Onion, can he understand that in fact, he doesn't actually have a choice at all. Take the Roast Beef.

Snickers
I eat these not because I love them, but because they are my quick fix. In the absence of free will (and inefficient planning), being the servant to two young offspring, I involuntarily abstain from many a meal. Wanting to eliminate the munchies, dizziness and a short fuse which would understandably accompany starvation, I rely on Snickers to give me a wholesome sugar rush, enabling me with the ability to function as an effective, responsible and happy parent for the next hour. So, I ask, why would he want to share my Snickers? In this context, surely whatever case may be presented in favor of sharing, my needs will more than likely always completely outweigh his.

I'm really not a mean, cruel or greedy wife. I should perhaps think about communicating my thoughts, needs and wants in a more non passive-aggressive manner. A suitable motto would indeed be 'what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine'. Don't judge. I GAVE HIM TWO BABIES. The end.

Growing

2011-01-15T16:38:00.014-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

Yes, it's been a while. Time is not to blame. In a nutshell, I got caught up in trying to please other people. It's very easy to criticize someone yet not see your own shortcomings. It's silly though to not keep perspective and be caught up in the opinions of others, because by doing so, you also fail to see their shortcomings, thus making your own seem so much worse. That's kind of what happened.

So, the (almost) year in summary....

There are really just a couple of updates:

Safanah is now wearing glasses. This breaks my heart. She's been in them since she was 10 months old. My Apple is a trooper and has adjusted to them incredibly well. It's all fine really, just that given a choice, of course I would rather her eyesight was perfect.

I won't make it prettier than it was. Glasses on an infant? There were some days when I wanted to use a staple gun or duct tape. I refrained. Obviously. And I (still) have a hard time dealing with peoples reactions sometimes (more adults than kids). I fear the only time Safi's glasses will become an issue for her is when she's old enough to understand ignorant comments. They make me so very mad. And pity. Pity makes me really mad.

My Apple is destructive and demolished her first pair of glasses within a month. We have her in a plastic frame now which is incredibly resilient. The glasses are not really a problem (more an inconvenience), even for Miss Messy (me). They are one thing which I religiously stalk throughout the day, and the one thing that has it's designated space each night so we know where they are at the start of each day.

I'm clearly verging on some kind of OCD when it comes to Safi's eyes. I will be aggressive about her wearing the glasses because I want to do the best that I can for her. This is commitment to a cause in a way that I have never known before. Aside of my sincerity in wanting to do the most for this piece of my heart, I never want to have to say or think that there was something more I could have done for her eyes, but I didn't try hard enough.

The other major update is the arrival of our beautiful daughter Deema, known as 'Kukoo' because these were her first words (sounds) and it just stuck. Kukoo is such a joy, and like my Apple was, a very easy baby.

The even better news (in context of vanity only), is that this baby looks like ME, with a teeny bit of Jalal's nose, as opposed to Safanah who was the spitting image of Jalal, linked only to me as we are both a shade of brown. There's no denying maternity on this one!

Life is pretty good in House Khantib, full of love and smiles (and tantrums and diapers and crayon vandalism and torn books and occasional puddles of water and unwanted spat out chewed up food and cheerios and other random stuff).

Often, Jalal and I mimic all things Safanah, laughing hard with love that can't be explained. My days are long. My nights are short and broken. It really is 24/7. There is without doubt no more 'me', it's 'us'. With just one baby, it was still possible to get around without much stress. With two such little people, it's a struggle, but never a compromise.

I almost forgot to mention that Jalal as good as delivered Deema. Her birth was an experience to say the least. I am grateful for his reflexes, as otherwise, Deema would have kissed the floor seconds after being born. Nice catch Jalal!

It's been a busy year. Jalal and I have come a long way as a married couple - there's nothing quite like children to get you both on the same page!

Siamesed

2010-02-20T16:33:00.024-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

Yes, yes, I know the dictionary won't give you a hit on the word 'siamesed', but seriously, it happened to me, thus the word should exist and an entry created which summarises my experience of being a forcibly temporarily conjoined person with a non-identical monster beast person with a large arse.

I paid for one, whole, entire seat to the UK, with an additional smaller fee to take my new carry on baggage, known as Apple. That was it, nothing more, nothing less.

We were told when checking in that no one was sharing our row of bulk head seats. When our flight got cancelled, we were told that as an additional aircraft was being flown in for us, our seating arrangements would remain the same.

As 5398 people seemed to be in the boarding area waiting for the same flight, it became quite obvious that Virgin had once again lied to us and were in fact trying to stuff passengers scheduled for two flights onto just one. That would have been OK, had it not been for the fact that sat next to me in 40F was a huge beast of a woman with so much fat spill oozing from her seat onto mine that my entire flight involved feeling her every movement.

This is beyond unacceptable. This monstrosity had a husband, 2 kids and her parents with her. Every time she breathed, moved, turned around to talk to her entourage, I was forced to feel her fatness rubbing against me followed by the sensation of the aftershocks of her each and every movement.

Why on earth was she allowed to board the plane without being forced to purchase an additional seat? Why was she allowed to share my seat? Why was I forced to be in physically contact with her personal grossness for over 7 hours? How can this be justified?

Bags to be checked in are weighed. Bags to be carried on are meant to fit into a set dimension. Limits and standards are internationally acceptable when flying. So, why isn't her arse forced to be within certain dimensions before she is forced to buy two seats instead of using mine? Seriously, I cringe thinking about ever having to endure another flight like that one. What's more is that she had fat arms too resulting in arm rest spillage, but I have kindly omitted this additional trauma description to make my point.

Whilst I am most certain that this post will appear fatist, that's not the case. Be who you want to be, weigh how much you want to weigh, just not at the expense of others. That's my gripe. I had to pay the price for her love of pork pies (yeah, OK, it could be her thyroid, I shouldn't just assume she ate too much, sorry...). She can't not know how large she is. If she is in denial, those around her must have said things, at least hinted that she indeed does have a humongously large bum. Either way, I believe that the airline has a duty to deliver the seat I paid for, which was strictly reserved for my body only.

In turn, I spent the entire flight conjoined to her arse and leaning to the left hand side, which after 7 hours is pretty damn painful.

I couldn't even complain to anyone as the flight had zero free space. What was I meant to do? Complain about the fat spill next to me and then be forced to spend the next 7-8 hours sat next to it? It was painful enough when she wasn't trying to hurt me - imagine the pain and distress her large-self in anger could have inflicted on me had I upset her? This wasn't a battle worth fighting in real time...

There was no shame on her part. No apology of her spillage, no consideration when she was constantly moving around in her (and my) seat and how this would affect me. I wanted to scream for her to not touch me anymore, but I couldn't. I was scared, scared of being squashed and rubbed and touched by another woman's bottom.

F*Lying Virgin

2010-02-19T10:24:00.024-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

Over the years, after much traveling and jet-setting over the world, I've become quite relaxed about air travel. Now though, since we had Miss Apple, things have had to be rethought.

Luggage allowance for instance, is almost a non issue, as I am now guided only by what I can physically manage with the addition of a baby and stroller versus previously knowing that I will miraculously just 'cope' with copious amounts of baggage and shoes.

Having learnt that things are somewhat more difficult when traveling with an infant, a reliable, efficient airline priding itself on customer service is a godsend. And that's what I thought Virgin Airlines was. I was wrong.

We were flying to the UK from Orlando. Aside from the flight being delayed by an hour or so which was a total non-issue, we were doing fine, right until we boarded the plane. Jalal felt a shudder, following which we were asked to deplane.

One of the cargo loading trucks had hit the plane (seriously, how did the driver not see the plane???) causing damage. We were taken back to the gate whilst waiting for a 'are-we-fit-to-fly?' verdict. A team of engineers were sent to examine and determine the extent of the damage. It turned out the plane was not fit to fly, and we would have to be flown the next day as they had no additional aircraft available.

We were told that that despite the already scheduled flight for the next day, Virgin would be flying in an additional aircraft for us, to make sure we all got to the UK as planned. Hold on to this thought as I will be writing about a very much related traumatic incident later.

We were told to go the the Virgin check in desks to get coupons for a hotel and food. That was all pretty much OK, but we were worried about Jalal's connecting flight to Bangkok. The plan had been, once we landed in the UK, Jalal would take me to my Mums, and then, 12 hours later, he would be on a flight to Bangkok.

We asked about Jalal's connecting flight. The bungalow blonde we spoke to reassured us that Virgin would be taking care of Jalal's flight connections when we came back the next day. I'm pretty anal about not relying on other people's promises (yes, I'm a cynical, untrusting soul), however I thought the leverage Virgin would have to amend Jalal's flight would totally outweigh efforts on our part to explain the situation to Etihad Airways.

We came back the next day, 3 hours before Jalal's flight was due to leave England (yep, we were still in Orlando), only to be told by the rather unhelpful, unsympathetic, jobsworth Crissy that Virgin would do no such thing and we had been misinformed. Seriously, that was it. She did not offer to help us in any capacity. She didn't even offer to honour the words of her incompetent colleague. I was beyond angry.

After numerous calls to Etihad in both the UK and the US, they told us they couldn't help as Jalal hadn't bought his ticket through them and we needed to call the ticketing agent who the tickets had been purchased through. So we called them, but they were based in the UK and closed for business as it was after 18:30. Seriously, we were both running around in circles and on the phone for 3 hours, trying to figure out who could help us out.

Surprisingly, Etihad came through for us with an 11th hour phone call, offering to make an exception this one time. They even amended Jalal's return flight making a 12 hour stopover into a 2 hour one! Thank you Etihad!

My anger and frustration at Virgin is not simply because of the cancellation. I can live with a delay, a cancellation, a reschedule. It's just that I am now left with disappointed and faithlessness towards Virgin. I had previously held them in high regard for their trans-Atlantic service, and was confident that I would be looked after. Now, I know there are no guarantees at all, except that Virgin will only do what they have to do from a legal stance. That sucks.

What makes this a much harsher slap in the face than it needed to be is that most of the passengers on this flight were holidaymakers from the UK returning back home. There can't even have been many people who needed assistance from ticketing. And yet, Virgin still wouldn't help us.

I refuse to be content with the fact that as long as Virgin fulfill their legal obligation, they deem their hands clean. It's not that simple.

Coming Out Of The Closet

2009-11-17T00:30:00.013-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

We are in Ruidoso, NM at the moment. It's 2 hours behind EST (MST), which is our usual time zone. The difference has not been a problem until now, not even with a 4 month old baby and her schedule, but today, at 0500 MST, the 2 hours become an issue (because at 0700 EST, I would be awake, listening out for Safi waking up).

I brought my Skype phone with me to Ruidoso and placed it in the living room, just outside the bedroom. This morning, at 0500, during a deep deep sleep, the ringing phone woke me up. Not wanting to miss the call or disturb Jalal, I jumped out of bed, raced to the bedroom door, opened it, ran through it and looked for the phone. I couldn't see it, but I could still hear the ringing. I also registered that the living room looked smaller and different. I knew it might take a few seconds to reorient myself, but the factual reason for my minor confusion was that I had run into the closet instead. It took me some seconds to figure out what had happened.

Still in a daze, after some more running and door opening, I managed to make it to the phone, only to see that it was 0500 and the caller had hung up.

As if I wasn't mildly traumatized enough, when I got back to bed, Jalal was awake and surprisingly talkative:

J: Did you just run into the closet?

S: Yes

J: To answer the phone?

S: Yes

J: Did you think you were going into the living room?

S: Yes

J: You were in the closet for a while...

S: Yes

J: **...begins to laugh...**

J: You shut the door behind you after you got in?

S: Yes. I didn't want to disturb you.

And then he spent the next 10 minutes laughing hysterically at me before going back to bed. He's been laughing at me all day.

In my defense, the closet and bedroom doors are next to each other. It was a reasonably easy mistake to make when woken suddenly from a comatic sleep.

Skinny Again

2009-09-19T19:44:00.005-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

OMG! My postpartum weight loss is complete... but only on my feet, yeah, OK, and my hands too :)

I have a big problem though.... it's been some 18 months since I regularly wore stilettos. With life in glamorous, friendless Leeds followed by the pregnancy, there was no reason. I stuffed myself into a pair every now and again, however, this task proved impossible during my last few weeks of being pregnant as no amount of effort could tuck the excess foot flab into the shoe.

Last night, it finally happened. I managed to get my foot into a stiletto without the need for any spill over, forcing or lubrication. The problem I have now is that they are really quite painful to walk in for longer than the length of the living room (it's not a large room). The pain is nothing new. What's new is the realization that I can't tolerate it anymore.

Jalal likes my stilettos, so here are his choices if they are to be worn:

He can carry/'Captain Caveman' me whenever I am wearing them. There are 2 issues with this. Firstly, whilst I am now a fair bit lighter since I gave birth, I know it will still be missions for him to lift/drag me. The second problem is, who's gonna carry the baby? (Please note that I have a preference to be carried versus dragged).
I remain seated during the entire evening, thus the only walking actually done is to and from the car.
Jalal wears the stilettos instead.

Note: No cruelty was involved when putting the stilettos on the baby. And she needed something to complement her Little Black Dress (with little pants).

Matador Sought

2009-09-19T17:17:00.009-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I don't want someone to have to make excuses for me. Inevitably, I will have my moments where a little assistance to justify and refill a self dug hole would be most appreciated, but generally speaking, I am able to stand by my actions.

Isn't that part of what it means to be an adult, a basis for society, integration, friendships and relationships? Why is it then that some people live by excuses, being reckless with behavior and words, not holding themselves accountable when wounding others, being ignorant of their habits, relying on the pseudo well intended to excuse and save them, enabling them to move on to dig their next hole.

They are the bull in the china shop. Who let the bull in? Someone held the door open for the bull to come in. It sure as hell wasn't the china. Why does no one come to take the bull and save what's left of the china? Why do people walk by the china shop, looking through the window but do nothing? Why do people give the bull the benefit of the doubt and assume the bull found it's way in to the china shop by accident?

I'm tired. Tired watching the bull. It's not just the bull which frustrates me, the bull is a self obsessed fool. I'm frustrated at the well intended who always feel that all this must be difficult for the bull and if he could go about his business without breaking the china, he would.

But how many times can it be an accident? There is a finite number of times that the china can be fixed. There will come a point where pieces go missing or it's so damaged and fragile that it's no good to anyone and simply can not be mended.

And the bull? He will be fine, maybe at a short term loss wondering where his favorite china shop went, but then he'll move on.

The main culprit is the enabler, the door opener, the well intended. Quite definitely, they lie at the root of the issue when the bull comes back for the second time and thereafter. Some think that by always seeing the good in others, they are doing the 'right' thing. Others think that the bull is too stuck in his ways to change. That's all fine, that's all part of them being so well intended. But they fail to see the price being paid by the china, fail to see that the china is just about done.

Who's got their eye on the china? Is someone bubble wrapping it? Are they trying to move it out of the bulls way? The well intended are as stuck in their blind ways as much as the bull is.

All that's needed is a Matador....

Eviction - 11th July 2009

2009-07-18T15:59:00.042-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I was ready to meet Fred. I had thought for most of the pregnancy that she'd be late, but towards the end, I knew she was ripe. She arrived 2 days earlier than her due date.

I was going to write about the whole experience, but it doesn't feel right at this moment, however, I will summarize.

Everything I write is based on my wish to have a natural birth in the US, where I find that there is a tendency to overmedicate, intervene and protect the medical professional and institute from a suing culture. It's also worth noting that at the hospital we delivered at (and throughout the US), there is only one midwife to share between all the women in labour. Because of this, we decided to hire a Doula, Alison, to help us both in terms of being an advisory acting in our interests and someone who could help me through labour as Jalal and I only knew so much.

Summary:

Support from a partner/doula is a huge help. Yes, I realize that women do this alone all the time.
You will NEVER know how to rate a contraction in terms of intensity until you have been there. What I thought was a 'firm' contraction was in fact 'mild' when compared to what I felt a few hours down the line.
The quietest I have ever been is during labour. No shouting, limited cursing and some whispering, but mostly silence.
The concept of shame is no longer something I am familiar with.
Crowning is not how they make it seem in the movies - it took a long time and several attempts. It's also a good time to ask about the baby's hair colour...
They put her on my belly after she came out. When I spoke, she opened her eyes to look for me. It was truly, truly amazing. Jalal cut the cord.
Fred was amazingly responsive from the minute she was born - I believe this is due to not having used medication during labour.
After all that work on my part, after the past 9 months of hives and random migraines, after all the sacrifices I made whilst carrying her, she still looks like her father and not me.
Jalal and I couldn't agree on a name during the pregnancy. Having seen what I went through, he gave in to me, plus he decided he liked my name more. But because I am weak for him, I had already decided to give in to him, so we back-and-forthed a bit. We stuck with my choice - Fred is now formally Safanah.
I want to eat my baby. She is beautiful.

I absolutely owe a huge thank you to my amazing husband. Jalal was there 110% of the way. He probably worked as hard as I did. He was the one who found the pressure points in my hips which eased the intensity of each contraction. He was with me the entire time, calm and patient, saying the right things, reminding me to breathe and focus, making sure I stayed hydrated, physically lifting me to move from one place to the other, reminding me when and how to push, where to apply pressure and motivating me when I thought I was too tired to get to the end.

Could I have done it without him? Yes, but probably not naturally. Alison said that Jalal did 85% of what she normally does. I believe her.

Alison was also amazing. With the familiarity and support from both of them, I did it! I've asked Alison to be available to deliver twins this time next year :)

Losing Your Religion

2009-07-17T08:49:00.014-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Your relationship with your God is private. Why must I be exposed to it? I think I am reasonably tolerant and accepting of others beliefs, but lately, my patience is wearing thin.

I cringe even when writing this as it makes my private thoughts regarding my faith public.

I don't know what the correct term is for what I am about to explain, but this is currently my biggest gripe:

In the Muslim world, we have words/phrases we use for certain things, for example, if you intend to do something, you follow up with 'Inshallah', meaning, 'God willing'. This simply reflects the fact that whilst you may intend to do something, the ability to enable this is still in Allah's hands.

We have several such terms which ultimately imply an extension of this belief. I'm all for this. But it's personal. If I think something, if I say something, if I want something and I feel the need to converse with my God, I do this in private, and even if I am vocal, it's in context of what is personal to me.

I'm beginning to resent those who feel the need to finish what they think is an incomplete sentence on my behalf. I can't just mention my plans or thoughts without some people vocalizing their version of the appropriate arabic word/phrase for me. Why do they feel the need? If they think I should say it but have forgotten, surely they would be a better person if they 'thought' it on my behalf and said it for me without being vocal, which to me, simply makes me feel as though they think they are more religiously complete than me.

Of course, they most probably are - I really don't care, like I said, it's personal for me, but I do find it annoying that they feel the need to publicize their faith and act as though I have shortcomings as I failed to use the appropriate arabic word. Why do they assume I never say it in private? Why can they never say it in private?

What do they do when they are around non-Muslim people? Do they hold back? Why do they assume it's OK to hold themselves as my benchmark for etiquette in religious practices just because we are both Muslim? We are not the same.

I am not sure what Islam says about being who you are outside of your faith. I know there are those people who say that if you follow your faith all the way, you will always be compatible with others of the same belief level, BUT, this does not account for the non-religious aspects of a person i.e. your personality.

It would be wonderful if people stopped finishing off my sentences in this manner and kept the fact that they just judged me to themselves. I understand that their intent is nothing but good (in their eyes), however, I wonder how innocent and well intended can a person be if they are immediately able to identify any missed opportunity to use the appropriate arabic word?

Feigning Drama

2009-07-10T10:12:00.007-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I write this in context of man-woman-where-woman-manipulates-man relationships. I can't offer you anything more diverse than that right now.

This post is not quite what it seems. I must clarify that I have feigned nothing. But I have witnessed drama, and I have seen stoopid men manipulated by women committing the act of drama. I've often wondered why a self respecting woman would feel the need to play on perceived vulnerabilities to get attention. Sadly, I have never found the answer to this scenario and continue to be baffled at both willing participants.

Sometimes, I want to administer shaken-baby-syndrome on the stoopid man for having been played. How can he not see the game? But why would his woman want to lower herself to the point where he does things for her because he sees her as pathetic or needy? Of course, there are times when you need help, and I have no objection to requesting assistance or even him doing something for you because he wants to, but really, to have to use manipulation and bear witness to such an act leaves me cringing.

I still stand by this opinion, especially as I reflect back on my own adulthood. But there are flaws on the other side of this fence too, the flaws that come from being used to being on your own and finding it difficult to ask for help. Thats where I've been for a long time. It goes without saying that there are a million shades of grey in between, but you get my point.

Having said all of the above, I had a rather productive day yesterday for which my Jalal put in most of the effort. He has quite rightly been on at me for some time to get my hospital bag together. I took care of Fred's last week, but have been procrastinating about mine for some time (about 11.5 weeks...).

The crib arrived the other day and was put together but left undressed. The last bit of Fred's laundry was done but still in the dryer. I'd put a few clothes out but not packed. You get the picture... I knew I had to get it all sorted soon. And then, we had a bit of a 'OMG, the baby's coming!!!' false alarm.

I had to lie down as I was beat. And then, from the comfort of my bed, everything I needed to do got done. I instructed Jalal on all the items I needed to have packed in my hospital bag, and he finished putting Fred's crib stuff together. It was wonderful (for me). I am aware that this was not fun in the traditional sense for Jalal, but y'know... I enjoyed my 'all about me' moment.

I learned though that in this state of vulnerability, I got all my stuff done without having to lift a finger but most satisfying of all was the timely manner in which it was done. Is this why some women insist on drama and feigning pathetic-ness? Because I sort of get it (in a sick way).

Don't worry Jalal, I promise not to use this new technique to my advantage, but suffice to say, I am impressed at the effortless productivity that this little incident resulted in.

Camouflaged Naked

2009-07-10T09:11:00.012-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I'm far from politically correct. I have a dark, evil, perverted side which leaves me laughing inappropriately at most things society tells me I shouldn't find amusing. But I do, and I know it's too late in my life to be rewired. Plus I don't particularly care - I just have to practice self restraint at times. It makes me stronger (on the inside).

The containment of my amusement comes at a price - I am unable to have a coherent conversation with anybody thereafter as I am too caught up in my twisted yet highly amusing thoughts. As my mind is generally a happy (often lonely) space, it's not big deal.

But every now and again, even I have to put my foot down and insist on change in order to be more appropriate and PC. Some things are never meant to be acceptable.

I was looking for 'nursing undergarments' on a recent shopping spree. This is in itself a traumatic experience, as being vocal and factual about such changes in my body has left me realizing that it will take quite some work to demolish Fred's house and lose some serious inches. I digress...

I wandered into Motherhood Maternity and asked the assistant for a particular product in black. I am not keen on any other colors for the moment as they are not as versatile, plus I have been led to believe that lighter colors will stain.

The assistant in store was black (should I say African American???). She kindly went to examine their stock for my request, informing me that all they had was an item in 'nude'. WTF color is that? Nude for who? Upon examining this garment, I realized that perhaps I am not culturally or racially aware, as I don't know anyone who is this particular color when nude.

The damn thing was beige. Why is this referred to as 'nude'? Is this the benchmark of skin coloring? Why would a black girl happily call this color 'nude'? Am I missing something?

The saddest part is that I was forced to buy this product due to lack of choice and the fact that it took me 15 minutes to waddle to the store and I was tired, holding an already cold burger in my hand which I needed to eat urgently as I was both hungry and salivating.

If I put it on, do you think it will be visible to the untrained eye? I feel strongly that I should protest against this, but I still haven't started my 'AT&T Sucks Like Stinky Poo' campaign and furthermore, if Motherhood Maternity can convince a black girl that beige is 'nude' (unless she has a variant of vitiligo on her bosom, in which case I am sorry to bring this to public attention), they are much too clever for me to fight.

Satin Sheets

2009-07-09T20:14:00.003-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Whilst satin sheets look and feel good, they serve a much greater purpose... I am struggling to get out of bed these days (rather, nights) with being tired, heavy and generally less agile than I was even 1 month ago. Satin sheets enable Jalal to apply minimum pressure to my body, making me slide rather easily to the end of the bed. The rest is reasonably simple and whilst sitting upright still requires some effort it's verging luxury to only have to struggle with this half of the process.

It's really quite genius.

Until Next Time!

2009-07-08T19:50:00.003-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Please, please, please let me not be tempting fate and writing this too soon...

Jalal and I have both been weighing ourselves at the clinic. I knew at some point, I'd be heavier than him and fretted over it. Our first significant weigh-in left me just 1.6 pounds lighter than him.

I was convinced that from the next weigh-in onwards, I would be heavier, but luckily for me, it never happened.

Our next 2 weigh-ins saw us at equal weights, although, seeing as I had more clothes on than Jalal, I secretly suspected that pound for pound I was lighter...

The last weigh-in this past Monday saw me drop 0.2 pounds, and Jalal put on an extra 4 (yep, 4 whole, entire, big, juicy pounds). Imagine my joy! I am hopeful that I will stay lighter than him until Fred arrives and maybe we can resume this nonsense for the next baby.

Of course, he's been laughing at me calling him 'fat boy' and is insisting on cutting weight like a proper fighter for the next visit this Monday. Why can't he just humour me and keep stuffing his face? It's not like he's innocent in all this as he keeps calling me 'Thunder Foot' (he tried 'Thunder Thighs', but that just wasn't funny).

Note to Jalal: Honey, please keep eating lots.

Note to Ami (mum): Please keep cooking for your greedy-yet-lean son-in-law.

Give Me...

2009-07-08T19:15:00.005-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

All I can think of today is sushi. I can taste it. I can even smell it. But it's all in my mind so there's no satisfaction. I salivated all the way back from the gym today (no - I wasn't working out - I just dropped Jalal off).

How many more days must I wait?

Fred's doing well, so it's not as though I want her out - but I do need to eat sushi again SOON.

Jalal's partner at the gym is going away for 1 month on July 14th, meaning that Jalal will be really busy with work after that as he will be on his own. So, despite the fact I am not in a hurry to de-house Fred, if she comes sooner, Jalal will be able to spend more time feeding me sushi (and getting acquainted with our little honey).

I'm not so secretly hoping she arrives this Friday, 3 days early, but according to the midwife and my body, she is most content where she is, thus in no hurry. She's been a little wriggly for the past 2 days so I suspect she's looked for the exit but isn't sure about using it...

Thunder Foot

2009-07-08T18:24:00.006-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

There are plenty of things you hear about having to endure throughout pregnancy. And there are more that you don't, perhaps because it constitutes TMI. Frankly, I'd rather have all the info, especially as I seem to have sailed through these past 9 months without any of the traditional pregnancy issues.

But the undiscussed stuff - oh the things I have googled! I am embarrassed to think that if my google search history is discovered, I may well look like a highly perverted pregnant woman, which in hindsight I may well be, as there is probably a reason some things are kept hush hush.

For the sake of education, I promise to tell the entire truth to any curious pregnant woman if asked. I don't see these things as a deterrent to getting pregnant, I just believe that we should be better informed.

I should have preempted cankles and swollen feet, but this really only happened to me after a great deal of walking and flying. What I didn't realise was that even a 5 minute massage would alleviate both the aesthetic and pain symptoms of this issue. So, I have been walking around with stumpy sausage toes when in fact I needn't have been and instead should simply have asked Jalal for a quick massage. Even a pedicure was unable to make my toes look normal, in fact, it drew more attention to the stumpiness.

I didn't realise how bad things were until the night of my baby shower. I already knew my fat feet wouldn't fit in to my regular shoes, even with a tub of lubricant to assist, but I never even questioned the ability of them fitting into open toed sandals.

Not only did they not fit, but they were spilling off the base of the shoe. As there was nothing else but flip flops to wear, I insisted to Jalal that I would be fine. And I was, but only for the drive and my limping entrance to the venue , and then the shoes had to come off.

I walked around bare foot for the evening. At the end of the night, we went out to a local bar. With difficulty, I had gotten back in to my shoes and took them off again when we got to the bar. An hour or so later, as we were leaving, I was further shocked to discover that my feet had yet again expanded and were now incapable of being housed in the shoe for longer than the 2 minutes it took to walk to the car. WTF? It was so Incredible Hulk. It also hurt an awful lot. Seeing as I am rather gelatinous and on the verge of weighing more than my husband, it would have been unkind to insist that he carry me to the car. So I suffered, not in silence, but that's not the point.

Finally, after suffering with a constant small to medium amount of pain in my feet for a few days, I asked Jalal for a foot massage. That's when he examined my feet and (after he laughed at them) gave me my new Indian ('feather', not 'dot') name - Thunder Foot.

It really is remarkable how quickly the swelling disappears post massage, but it's also remarkable that feet can expand so quickly in size. I am somewhat concerned as to whether my feet will ever return back to their pre-pregnancy size. It matters less whilst I am living in Florida as life here for us is all about flip flops and being casual, but should I ever wish to return to a slightly more glamorous lifestyle, I will be gutted if I have to restock my shoe closet.

FYI, I discovered the name given to the same ailment when it occurs on your hands - its known as 'Wrarms', meaning 'wrist arms'. I share this only because I suffered from it in New York and I wanted to know the name for it.

Talk To The Hand

2009-06-29T17:47:00.004-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I've never enjoyed a manicure. I've tried and failed many times, feeling like an alien man-woman as even my non-feminine girlfriends in New York were always manicured to perfection. Hell, even lots of the men folk were beautifully manicured! Personally, I can easily live without them.

Its probably coming up to some 18+ months since I had one. I think I realised why they are not my ideal way to pass time.

I'd like to be leaning back when having one. I can't relax in an upright position
I am anxious throughout the whole experience - I wonder if they will get the length of each nail the same?, will enough coats be applied?, what about the air bubbles? - the list goes on... I'd rather not be able to see until it was all over
I don't like the principle of paying before my nails are done - why should I tip before I know what I'm tipping for? Surely the motivation to do a good job is gone if you have already tipped
I still need to get in to my handbag to get my keys after my nails are done - what if I scratch them?
The thought of having to spend additional time on my nails should one be scratched is my biggest fear
I worry about how long the polish will last and if it will get ruined when I wash my hair
I worry about whether I should buy the shade I am having applied just in case I need to reapply it to a scratched nail in a day or two - the scratch is guaranteed because I am so damn clumsy :)

The combination of all the above leaves me with anxiety, thus unable to relax.

I decided though to give a manicure another go for my baby shower. What I really wanted was a pedicure and foot massage. It made sense to get my hands done at the same time. I asked to have my manicure first, seeing as I don't like them.

Having been wound up because what they told me would be a 5 minute wait turned into 25 minutes, I was further provoked by the know-it-all doing my nails. Turned out, HE was an expert on child birth. It didn't matter how I answered all his questions about the baby, including gender, child birth classes, the concept of a natural delivery, this guy knew better...

Apparently, no matter what I want, the first birth will be incredibly painful and I will be screaming out loudly, albeit, all the following babies will literally slip out after that. He then proceeded to tell me about all the injections and ointments they will administer to a newly born Fred, using the words 'I think' as though they meant 'Yes, I am medically trained and know what I am talking about'.

He was sincerely upset when I told him I was expecting a girl. He wanted enough time to examine my belly and make an educated decision.

I swear, it was the most painful 25-30 minutes you can imagine. This was on top of the usual anxiety I have over getting my nails done.

I was further disappointed when it turned out he was also going to be my pedicure person. The one thing I had been looking forward to all week was going to be executed by someone I wanted to escape from. I managed to refrain from any kind of conversation with him by feigning sleep for the next 30 minutes or so.

It was a painful experience, albeit, I have learned that if I have the manicure first, it makes the process much better for me. Maybe I'd be better off still though if I just stuck to pedicures.

On the bright side, I got my eyebrows redone at the same place by a brown lady. Needless to say, I am much happier now as I have non-Parkeresqe brows. I'm extra happy too as it only cost me the usual $8.

It's Not A Guy Thing

2009-06-23T22:20:00.006-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

J: Co-ed? Baby shower?

S: Yes. Why?

J: It's not a guy thing

S: But it's your baby

J: It's not a guy thing

S: These are all your friends - I am new here remember?

J: It's not a guy thing

S: You're going

J: Can't you just go?

S: You know that part where I said it was your baby too....?

J: It's not a guy thing

S: It's a couples baby shower

J: The couples will arrive together but then that's it. When we get there, I don't want to see you. All the guys are thinking the same thing.

S: Right

Few weeks later....

J: The biggest Muay Thai fight ever is on Saturday

S: That's the baby shower night

J: We're going to watch it

S: What about the shower?

J: You girls can do the shower bit, we'll be watching the fight

J: Ouch! Get off me! Stop beating me!

S: Where is the fight taking place?

J: Jamaica

S: That's cool

J: Yeah, I'd planned to go but then you went and got yourself pregnant.

S: ..... no words, just evil looks........

S: So, do you think you may want to let Don know seeing as we'll be at his house

J: Guess so

Few hours later:

S: Rishi says the fight is on Friday

J: No, it's on the 26th

S: That's Friday. The shower is on the 27th, Saturday

J: Oh, OK

S: We're good on Saturday then?

J: Yeah

Chirobirthing

2009-06-23T15:25:00.014-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Dr Burns, our Chiropractor kindly offered to help me while I was in labour. Chiropractors are known to assist with both pain management and dilation in such situations.

I'm not sure why, but I was under the impression that if he stayed near my head during the labour and birth, he would be spared any exposure and I would retain some dignity.

I was all for his presence and assistance, until I saw some birthing videos. The reality is that anyone in the birthing room will be able to see ALL your bits, which makes me uncomfortable. Many a woman has told me that while giving birth, this is the least of your concerns, however, I really don't want to be exposed in such a fashion, particularly to my Chiropractor whom I will see repeatedly after the birth.

I like our relationship the way it is, i.e. with me whining about being in pain and the part where I am clothed.

We plan to stay at home for as long as possible during labour. This is for reasons of comfort in addition to wanting to prevent unnecessary medical intervention should things take longer than expected.

I spoke with our Doula about this offer from our Chiropractor and she was most impressed. I told her of my concerns of exposure and she reassured me that if we ask him to help at home, by the time we leave for the hospital, he will be mostly done and can go home, thus saving me from flashing him in any capacity.

This totally works for me, and I am grateful to have had this explained. I feel relieved that everything seems to be coming together, and am seriously loving the fact that we have a Doula who we can respect and trust.

I spoke to Dr Burns about this and he's in! He did mention though that his wife, despite his help, had long labours. She said though that the labours were relatively mild. I can live with that.

Dr Burns has helped so much with my migraines and greatly reduced my need to medicate, thus I have complete faith in what he will be able to do for me on the day(s) Fred decides to start her decent.

Resources:

Doula - Stefany (owner), Alison (our Doula) - Touched By An Angel

Chiropractor - Dr Burns - Burns Family Chiropractic Center

AT&T - Part 4 - Michelle's Non Apology

2009-06-22T17:14:00.015-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Related AT&T postings can be found here:

Part 1: AT&T - Assholes Through & Through

Part 2: AT&T - Part 2 - Oh No She Didn't!

Part 3: AT&T - Part 3 - Michelle's Verbal Diarrhea

I was waiting for AT&T to call me today, knowing that I would have to be proactive and call them. So I did. It took me 30 minutes to speak with someone, explain some of my story again and have an email sent to Michelle Strazzeri, the manager who can contact me, but I can't contact her. How very convenient.

Michelle called me back a few hours later. Guess what? She said she had been wrong about AT&Ts ability to get Apples system updated. But there was no apology! Why does that not surprise me? She went on to explain how she doesn't usually deal with customers. But there was still no apology.

Instead, after I told her that AT&T are consistently incompetent, she said 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. That is beyond insulting. How much more proof does she need before she makes a true empathetic sincere statement like 'Yes we are, we suck'.

This is where we are at: she said Warren was going to see if he could get my phones ordered through their sales staff without me having to go into a branch, but I would still be subject to the 14 business day delivery! I asked her why I could not be put forward as a priority urgent case. She said they didn't have these, but they did have priority shipping which she would be happy to pay for. Thats so nice of you Michelle. Why do people think that if they say the most stupid insignificant thing in a certain tone that you will be appeased and grateful?

I explained to her that part of the reason I didn't want to go into a store was that I shouldn't have to after all the pain I have already suffered, but in addition, I am 37 weeks pregnant and I don't have the energy (AT&T stores often have zero seating). Her reply to this? Silence.

She said I could call around to see if any AT&T stores had the phone in stock. I started to go mad. Why should I have to do anything else? So, she said she would do it and we agreed she would call around to stores within a 30 mile radius. She called back 15 minutes later saying she had called all the stores and there was nothing. There was one store miles away that had stock but that was a few days ago. She had asked on every phone call if the sales person knew of anywhere with stock.

So, Michelle must be super f****** woman to have called every store within a 30 mile radius AND asked them about rumors of stores left with the phone. Right. But we already know about her verbal diarrhea problem, so am not surprised.

2 more things would me up like you wouldn't believe:

Firstly, after Warren had told me on Saturday that he had fixed it so that I could walk into any AT&T store and see my upgrade eligibility, I tried today to see my status on the AT&T web site. It's telling me I'm not eligible. What did Warren fix? So I asked Michelle - she said that the problem was fixed on the internal system, but not the online system. And because Apple also use the online system, thats why I cant go and buy the phones from Apple. I then asked her if anyone can over-ride the online systems. She said 'no-one that she knows of'.

Michelle - just because you are ignorant of your systems doesn't mean it can't be done. Go and find out and get a manual over-ride on the damn system. Of course, AT&Ts philosophy of recruiting unassertive substandard staff guarantees that she won't do anything about this.

The second issue, and the thing that angered me the most was this. She said because I had canceled my 2 pre-orders on Friday, this is why I was in this situation. She couldn't bring herself to say 'When you were doing that, our staff should have told you of the impact'. No, it was all my fault. Her need to make everyone but AT&T accountable for this mess is really quite disturbing. Bad service is bad service. What makes her so jaded about her company? What makes her so blindly loyal? It's a job. Only a damn job. Why work in Customer Service if you don't believe in it? Why is it that her whole focus is trying to put the blame in my hands versus taking responsibility for her actions and words and those of AT&T?

Anyways, lets just say it was my fault (it wasn't but I am addressing Michelle's stupid comment), it doesn't negate the almost 10 hours I had already invested trying to get this mess sorted out prior to June 19th. What do you have to say about that Michelle?

Oh, and then she said to me that the Sales staff are not trained in the same way as Customer Service. But then I told her how Customer Service at AT&T had agreed to take Jalal's iPhone back but Sales wouldn't have any of it.

So, what was Michelle's point? Customer Service are better than Sales Staff? No - you are all idiots.

A simpleton like Michelle will never be able to say that her company messed up, and she is most certainly unaware of the concept of accountability. I would put money on the fact that she never explained her f*** up to her management.

Warren starts work at noon tomorrow and is working until 10 pm. He's going to call me to see if he can get me these phones ordered. If not, I will have to go into an AT&T branch and pre-order them myself. How tragic that Apple have these in stock but I will have to wait up to 14 business days to get them.

Once I have the phones (if at all), I will be contacting AT&T until I get some kind of a satisfactory resolve. I am not settling for this crap.

Time invested thus far: >17.5 hours.

Related AT&T postings can be found here:

Part 1: AT&T - Assholes Through & Through

Part 2: AT&T - Part 2 - Oh No She Didn't!

Part 3: AT&T - Part 3 - Michelle's Verbal Diarrhea

AT&T - Part 3 - Michelle's Verbal Diarrhea

2009-06-20T21:33:00.020-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Related AT&T postings can be found here:

Part 1: AT&T - Assholes Through & Through

Part 2: AT&T - Part 2 - Oh No She Didn't!

Part 4: AT&T - Part 4 - Michelle's Non Apology

Sometime this afternoon, Jalal called me to say that AT&T had called him, asking for me, to let me know that they were working on our issue and would have it resolved my Monday or Tuesday.

Why did they call him? It's my name and number on the account, it's me who has gone through the misery of liaising with these assholes, and they call him? Whatever. At least they were working on it.

Around 9 pm, some 24 hours after I spoke with Michelle in her secret-you-can't-contact-me department, I get a phone call from AT&T from a guy called Warren. Warren kindly informed me that my problem had been fixed and I could now walk into an AT&T brach and get both phones for $199.00.

I had to explain to him that I was able to do all of this yesterday, but the whole point was that I no longer wanted to deal with AT&T and further more, they have no iPhones in stock for around 2 weeks so I didn't understand what it is that he had done exactly.

Warren proceeded to assure me that Michelle had been talking out of her bottom when she promised me that AT&T would ensure that Apple would be able to sell me both phones at the $199.00 price. He said they were unable to update Apples system this way and I had no choice but to deal with AT&T.

Michelle, unless she is as retarded as the other AT&T employees I had previously dealt with, fully understood and accepted the situation for what it was. I wanted to buy my phones from Apple and not wait for any AT&T pre-order.

She had assured me that detailed notes would be put on both my and Jalal's number and I could walk into an Apple store on Wednesday at the latest and buy the phones for $199. Warren confirmed that she had in fact left very vague notes. What a trooper you are Michelle, true in every way it seems to the AT&T philosophy of idiocy, laziness and incompetence.

Warren was kind enough to listen to what my issues were. He didn't understand though how on my AT&T pre-order yesterday I was offered the correct discounted price. He understands why I don't want to give my money to AT&T in addition to the fact that I don't want to wait for their bullshit pre-order fulfillment as it can take up to 2 weeks and Apple has these phones now. Seriously, why would anyone pre-order and not just go to Apple?

I asked him why I couldn't pay for them over the phone and have 2 urgently delivered to me? He said he was going to speak with his team lead Adam to see what they could do, and would call me early next week after he had spoken to the ignorant incompetent Michelle. Seriously - she makes me mad - she came out with with this long speech yesterday about the dedication of AT&T management and how they were committed to the customer. What a load of tripe. How convenient also that I am unable to contact her myself and hold her personally accountable for her bullshit.

I have faith in Warren chasing this up for me, but seriously, to hear his commitment to call 'early next week' leaves me with a severely bitter taste in my mouth.

I have now logged almost 17 hours to this issue...

Related AT&T postings can be found here:
Part 1: AT&T - Assholes Through & Through
Part 2: AT&T - Part 2 - Oh No She Didn't!
Part 4: AT&T - Part 4 - Michelle's Non Apology

AT&T - Part 2 - Oh No She Didn't!

2009-06-20T15:16:00.013-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Related AT&T postings can be found here:

Part 1: AT&T - Assholes Through & Through

Part 3: AT&T - Part 3 - Michelle's Verbal Diarrhea

Part 4: AT&T - Part 4 - Michelle's Non Apology

Today, I decided to call Heather, the assistant manager at the AT&T branch in the Westshore Plaza Mall.

My main reason for doing this was to confirm that the notes Michelle said she would put on our account were in place, however, a close second reason was to explain my frustration at her staff.

In summary:

Re: Pre-ordering the iPhones

Me: No-one had called me as promised on June 10th to let me know when the pre-order system was back up

Heather: Maybe it never came back up that night

Me: Why did no one call me the next day?

Heather: You said you were going out of town

Me: That's not the point. I was promised a phone call

Heather: I will look into it

Re: Being lied to about Apple running out of phones

Me: Your staff told me yesterday that Apple had run out of iPhones and were sending people to you

Heather: We won't have access to Apples inventory

Me: Right, thats not the point. The point is that your staff lied to me

Heather: I will look into it

Re: Not being told that my number change will result in me losing upgrade eligibility status

Me: The guy was generally helpful, but he never mentioned this as an issue and he knew I wanted the new iPhone

Heather: All our staff know this but I will speak to them

Re: New iPhones

Heather: You can get them from us

Me: I am not contributing to commission to any of your guys after the service I have had. Anyways, even if I ordered the phones through you, it could still take another few weeks before I have them. Apple have the phones now.

Heather: Yes

Re: Summary

Me: I can't get over the consistent issues I have had with AT&T and your store, especially the fact that I was lied to

Heather: I have gone out of my way for you

Me:............. *

*I was left speechless!!!!!!!

Oh no, she didn't!

Did she really say that?

Really?

Her staff have not informed me of the impact of changes, lied to me, not called as promised, Jalal and I still don't have iPhones and she thinks she's gone out of her way for me???? This is her incompetent staff, and the incompetent company she works for, and I am being made to feel like she's done me a favour by providing me with Customer Service, giving me the upgrade I was eligible for anyways and not losing Jalal's phone number!

This is what's wrong with Customer Service. She thinks by doing something slightly outside of her every day duties that she has gone over, above and beyond her job requirements? By AT&T standards, she probably did qualify for the 'Employee of the decade' award!

Heather - listen up, it's your job to give me competent, efficient, hassle free service. It's your job to ensure your staff are trained and give out correct information to customers. That's what you are paid to do.

I feel a little bad for focusing on Heather, but heres the thing - it's her staff that have caused some of the issues, so yeah, she's accountable. That's got be down to their training which she has to be responsible for in some capacity.

Secondly, the minute she uttered those words 'I've gone out of my way for you', she was game to be named and shamed.

Related AT&T postings can be found here:

Part 1: AT&T - Assholes Through & Through

Part 3: AT&T - Part 3 - Michelle's Verbal Diarrhea

Part 4: AT&T - Part 4 - Michelle's Non Apology a

AT&T - Assholes Through & Through

2009-06-20T00:25:00.025-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Related AT&T postings can be found here:

Part 2: AT&T - Part 2 - Oh No She Didn't!

Part 3: AT&T - Part 3 - Michelle's Verbal Diarrhea

Part 4: AT&T - Part 4 - Michelle's Non Apology

As I write this, I am in absolute trauma, induced by a company that employs morons and liars and can't differentiate their tits from their arse. They appear to have systems that relay different messages to their retarded minions and consistency is a word unknown to them. Incompetency is clearly the key skill sought after in their recruitment process.

So, what happened? This all ties in to my previous post Sour Apple. One point that must be noted is after slating Apple, I do mention how great the store staff at Apple have been. Hold on to that fact.

This whole thing started on May 12th, when I decided to look into buying Jalal an iPhone for our anniversary. I had intended to go back to the Apple store for the purchase on May 16th, so I could surprise him the night before the anniversary, however, as I was in the Apple store for 2.5 hours, mainly on the phone with one of AT&Ts special needs staff members, I decided I had to get the phone there and then, as anticipating the same ordeal with a different idiot 4 days later was much more than I could deal with.

I had wanted to add Jalal to a family plan, but AT&T wouldn't allow me to add a Florida number to my New York numbered account. What a moronic rule. They are the same damn company in the same damn country, yet this apparently can't be done.

Seeing as I didn't want to change my number, I opened up a separate account in my name and added Jalal's number to it.

One June 3rd, having gotten over the fact that I am no longer a single independent woman, I decided to change my number to a Florida number so that we could be on a family plan which is much more economical. This way, we could even get Jalal's mum on as an additional line and not pay much for the extra service.

I wandered in to an AT&T store and got this sorted. What I was never told was this: by changing my number, I was technically 'relocating'. The end result of this meant that I was loosing my eligibility for an iPhone upgrade as it was considered a new account. Had I known this, I would not have gone through with it as the new iPhone was being anticipated for some time in the summer and I wanted (needed) to get it. Of course I wanted to be upgrade eligible.

On June 8th, Apple announced the new iPhone release, scheduled on June 19th. This is where the Sour Apple story kicks in.

Having spent a total of 7 hours on June 10th between Apple and AT&T doing 2 things - firstly ensuring I was eligible for the iPhone upgrade (as incompetent AT&T staff have failed to mention the issue resulting from a relocation) and secondly making sure that Jalal would be able to return his iPhone and wait 1 week for the new one, we thought everything was sorted.

To give an example of AT&Ts asshole service.... Jalal was on the phone to a lady from Customer Service at AT&T. He told her the whole story. Having spoken with her manager, they put a note on his line saying that whilst his phone had been bought at Apple, AT&T would accept it as a return at one of their stores. Shortly after, whilst I was sorting out my upgrade eligibility, I asked the AT&T guy on the phone to confirm Jalals notes. He proceeded to call the local AT&T store where they told us that they would not let us return the phone to their store. The hour spent with Jalal on the phone to AT&Ts shit Customer Service centre had been an hour wasted.

By close of business on June 10th, we had managed to confirm from our local AT&T store (Westshore Plaza Mall) that I would be eligible for an upgrade and that Jalal could have his new iPhone, both for the expected price of $199.00 each.

The assistant manager at the store (Heather) said that I could pre-order the phone but would have to come into the store. Not a problem I said. She told me that the pre-order system was down, and that someone would call me when it was back up.

I explained to her that it was rather urgent as the next day, I was flying out of state for 5 days and I didn't want to miss out on the pre-order.

She assured me that whilst she was leaving at 6 pm, someone else would call me. That call never came. This is typical of AT&T. Either she doesn't delegate well, or her staff have no respect for her words. Or more realistically, this is part of AT&Ts concept of Customer Service - there isn't any.

I decided not to buy the new iPhones at Apple due to their restriction on return policies. I was pissed that they won't honour the same time scales offered by AT&T for the same service.

On June 19th, I called the Westshore Plaza branch of AT&T and asked if they still had iPhones available. The answer was yes, so at around 5 pm, I went there to get two, only to be told that they had sold out.

I asked if any other AT&Ts had them. They said 'no'. I had to pre-order them which could take a couple of weeks. I then asked if they had Apples number. They said 'no'. I then asked if Apple had any. They told me that Apple was sending people to them as they had run out. So, I pre-ordered two phones and paid for them, at an expected cost of $199.00 each.

I fully intended to check near Jalal's hotel in South Carolina to see if I could get him to pick them up while he was there. But before I did that, I decided to call Apple. Guess what? They had the new iPhone in stock. That lying loser at AT&T had totally lied to my face! That's never going to be excusable. Just because his miserable life depends on commission, he decided its OK to lie to me to get my business? That is so messed up.

Because I don't trust these incompetents, I decided to cancel my pre-orders in case it would cause problems at Apple.

I got to Apple, only to be told that the queue was roughly 2.5 hours. They gave me a chair to sit on and I got chatting to some guys in the line which passed the time nicely.

When I finally made it into the store, guess what? Neither phone line was showing as being eligible for an upgrade. My line had a manual notation saying I was eligible, however, it was not able to be processed or overwritten by the system Apple had and AT&T couldn't do it either. As for Jalal's line, the moron at AT&T kept insisting that we had this line since September 2007 and he wasn't eligible for the upgrade. It didn't matter that there are no records for his number before May 12th 2009. This idiot didn't have the capacity to engage his own brain - he was only capable of reading from his computer screen and repeating the information. Guess I should be grateful that he could read...

Having gone round in circles with this thicko for 1 entire hour, he finally transferred me to his supervisor. Now, considering that thicko had kept me on hold for at least 10 minutes to explain the situation to Rianna (sp?), Rianna clearly didn't understand the situation so I once again explained it to her. Seriously, WTF?

After Rianna, we spoke to a woman called Michelle*, who I think works for the secret arm of AT&T. She said that I could go to an AT&T store and raise another pre-order.

I told her about the numerous incidents of incompetency caused by the inbreds who work there and I refuse to give those monkeys anything towards their commission, thus I was going to have to stick to Apple.

This is her attempt to resolve the situation: she was going to raise an Urgent Case in the ICU department. This would be escalated to management who would reset the upgrade eligibility on our lines, so when at Apple, the cost would show as $199.00 each (versus $399.00 each). This takes 48 hours, but because it was Friday, most probably 48 business hours. Lets see now - it's Friday, and you are raising an 'urgent' case, which you say is unlikely to be resolved until Tuesday night, meaning that I am not eligible for an upgrade until maybe Wednesday? How is that urgent?????

By now, it was almost 11:30 pm. Seeing as I had been at the AT&T store for 5 pm, today, I spent 6.5 hours trying to get this sorted.

This is in addition to the 7 hours I spent on June 10th, which is in addition to the 2.5 hours I spent on May 12th. Right now, I am at 16 hours with this phone palaver.

Michelle now started to talk about compensation. Seriously, even 2 free iPhones would not have made up for my time and stress. But I wondered what she was able to offer me. It was $120. For 16 hours. And none of the stress. I told her that this amount was not anywhere near close to compensate me, to which she replied that AT&T are not allowed to give larger amounts as then Apple feel that they are discounting the phone further and it looks bad. I explained how once again, the needs of the customer are ignored over bullshit corporate red tape.

I find her offer of $120 an insult. I have gone out of my way to ensure that we are able to get our phones and that the correct notes are put on each phone line. I have invested 16 hours in all of this, and will no doubt need a few extra as I know they will mess up again. How is $120 justified in any capacity???

I was the last customer to leave the Apple store today. 4 of the staff members had to stay behind on my account, and I left after 11:30 pm. They were incredibly patient and helpful. Thanks to AT&T, their efforts counted for shit.

I called Jalal when I got home, just before midnight. He was seriously pissed at what I have had to go through and said he'd have dealt with it, but its not like he'd have got it done any quicker. AT&T would have still been the retarded inbred lying incompetents that they are, and whether it was him or me, one of us would have had to endure this pain.

He was saying that we should tell AT&T to go f*** themselves, and I would, but I want an iPhone. What needs to happen is that this phone needs to be offered on other networks so we are not subjected to the bullshit AT&T feel obliged to dish out.

I will be posting this extract wherever I can, and I urge you to pass it on to whoever you can think of as naming and shaming in a scenario like this is more than warranted.

* Michelle - the lady who said she would get this sorted 'urgently'... I asked her how I could contact her again as I cant tolerate having to explain yet again to yet another minion what's going on, but she told me she can't be contacted. She will leave notes on my account, but I am unable to get hold of her. She then went on to tell me that the management at AT&T are very dedicated and will get this sorted. If the management are that efficient, why are they unaware of the lying ignorant scum they employ to represent the company? I would say that if the staff in store represent management in any capacity, I wont be getting my new iPhone anytime soon.

Sadly, there is more:
Part 2: AT&T - Part 2 - Oh No She Didn't!

Part 3: AT&T - Part 3 - Michelle's Verbal Diarrhea

Part 4: AT&T - Part 4 - Michelle's Non Apology

Sour Apple

2009-06-19T10:38:00.000-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Apple sucks. They have been the source of 2 migraines for me within an 8 day period.

Long story as short as it can be, I bought Jalal an iPhone on May 12th, from Apple. On June 8th, they announced the new iPhone release, scheduled for June 19th. We had a 30 day period to return his now 'old' phone, which we thought we would do, and then wait 1 more week for the new one.

Apple were having none of it. AT&T extended their return policy to about 45 days instead of the usual 30 to cover people like us who had been done over (yes, this is how I see it), having bought their phones so close to the release of the new model, but Apple wouldn't honor that agreement. They had to stick to 30 days.

Some 7 hours after having started this painful phone returning ordeal, we had a temporary solution offered to us by AT&T, which still involved Jalal 'maybe' loosing his number - there were no guarantees. Luckily, the solution worked, but the lack of customer service, service knowledge, flexibility and inconsistent messages are beyond unsatisfactory.

My second issue has been around this software 3.0 upgrade. I did mine on my original 2G phone. Everything was fine up until the end. The phone would not reactivate and my iTunes was a blank screen with nothing happening. I called Apple and their response was that it would take 30 - 60 minutes. I told they guy it had already been 30 minutes and that it was unreasonable for me to be left without phone service. He told me I should have anticipated this as the release had just come out and everyone was doing the upgrade.

Really? So I should have known because...? Did they warn me? Do I work for Apple? Somehow, I am meant to be psychic and anticipate their lack of ability to cope with demand. Of course its my fault. Idiot.

I called back 2 hours later as nothing had changed, only to be told this time that they couldn't help me as my phone was out of warranty. This is when I went mad. They offer a software upgrade which doesn't work and when I call for help, they tell me they can't. So, Apple can release bugged software, and when it doesn't work, they are not obliged to offer me a fix? How are they even allowed to get away with this mentality?

I was told by the Apple representative that this was also new to them and she understood why I was frustrated. That was it - empathy, which counted for pants - not what I needed. I had to push her into getting me transferred to Product Support. While I was on hold, I force quit the application and started iTunes again, fortunately to find that the problem was now fixed, and some 3 hours after having started the upgrade I had my phone service back.

Seriously, whilst I love my iPhone, I find it beyond frustrating that Apple practice such poor customer service just because they can, and because they know they have a loyal customer base.

The worst thing is, when left without phone service, I told them that they were leaving a 36+ week pregnant woman without phone service. The helpful Apple representative said 'you can still call 911 from your phone'. Seriously? Yes, I can call 911 (only emergency phone calls were allowed), but that's not the point. How am I meant to contact my husband, my doula, my midwife etc. if anything happens? His lack of seeing the issue in leaving me without phone service (pregnant or not) was really quiet shocking. I have a phone. I want to use it. How can he not grasp this concept?

The worse thing is, that the actual guys who work in our local Apple store have been fantastic being very patient and supportive when I had recent issues with both AT&T and now this returned phone. But none of this matters in light of how Apple has behaved regarding my issues above.

Come on Apple, get yourselves together and be the brand you pretend to be.

Mernster Munch

2009-06-18T18:36:00.012-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Jalal, honey, by the time you read this, our imported supply of Pickled Onion crisps will be fully depleted.

They were delicious, and I thought of you whilst eating them... I am not suffering from anything other than mild guilt, as I know you have a preference for the Roast Beef flavour.

Thank you for being so understanding.

Love you.

Proper UWS People

2009-06-17T22:35:00.000-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I never thought it would be me, but there I was, baby in belly, holding hands with the husband, walking a dog on the UWS on a lovely summers day. So very UWS. I loved it.

The dog, Coco, was loaned from Mimi. Not really having done the dog thing before in NY, it was amazing to note the huge number of people who stop to interact with the dog, even if they are only stopping so that their dog and Coco could share in some butt sniffing activities and the occasional bark.

Jalal made a point of telling me not to let Coco's nose touch me, and it made sense after what she had been doing all afternoon. Dirty bitch.

NY was a pleasant and timely change having been in Tampa for the past 6 months. I miss seeing people on the street, the breeze in the air, the convenience of being in a city, the ability to go for a walk without the risk of getting sun stroke and more importantly, the fact that the world is at your feet without the need to commute in a car.

I miss the noise and commotion. Mimis apartment block has a bus stop right outside it, and you can hear all the usual bus noises regularly throughout the day, only, I never hear it. I am used to that much noise and silence bothers me much more.

We had brunch on the UWS with my friends too. It was great to catch up with them, albeit, every time we have met lately, I seem to be going through a huge life change. Jalal mentioned how I have a lot of single friends, which is maybe why its weirder still for me to self acknowledge how much and quickly life has changed. There were many a picture taken of my pregnant round self. I met most of these people when being at my social peak in NYC, thinking that I was famous and partying every night like a rock star. Now, there's just a waddle and conversation about an impatient bladder....

I look forward to returning to the UWS with a real life baby just to have done this scene completely.

Sometimes Say Never

2009-06-17T20:11:00.003-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I vow to never let a non-brown person touch my eyebrows ever again. I am, as I type, left with eyebrows shaped like those of Parker from Thunderbirds.

I've been generally lucky as I don't have many bad eyebrow shaping stories. I was recently waxed in Thailand and left thoroughly disappointed. I was then referred to a lady in Leeds with a salon where the results were most unsatisfactory. They did threading but their monopoly status in Leeds left me without a voice to complain with. I was told they were good, but this opinion was from a woman without my vast threading experience and expectations of symmetry.

Having had both these bad experiences, I vowed to always be more careful. I have found a sound place in Tampa, however, was unable to visit prior to our trip to NY. Jalal and I planned to go when in NY to a place I knew but we never got round to it (mainly due to my cankles). On our walk in the UWS, we came across a Chinese/Vietnamese (excuse my ignorance) salon on 72nd St which did threading, so decided to pop in.

It was awful. The usual process involves the Threader putting one end of the thread in their mouths and they proceed to very quickly thread you to gorgeousness. Sadly, the woman who did mine held her thread in the same manner as a DIY threader, i.e. in both her hands and proceeded to perform the slowest most painful service leaving me very teary and frustrated. I was much worse when she told me it was $16 (without tip). I have never paid more than about $8 in the US and that was for good eyebrows!

I don't mean to racially stereotype, but seriously, never again. Now, I have to make time to go back to the brown place in Tampa which is annoying as it's not nearby to home. The only blessing of that shit hole place in NY is that she left them so damn thick that I feel like a blank canvas!

The best brows BTW, that I ever had done were by a (brown) guy in Hounslow (not quite London but almost) in the UK. My cousin, generally known as Tayya, was kind enough to take me there.

The next best place was Rupas on Green Street in East London, but really only when Rupa herself did them. No one else seemed quite as good, but I may be splitting hairs.

From this point forward, if the Threader is not a shade of brown, they are never to touch my brows. Note: I will substitute the shade of brown for a bona-fide thick desi accent, because that also shows authenticity in my eyes.

8 Month Switch

2009-06-16T12:15:00.006-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

She's been so good up until about 1 week ago. Now, I'm just feeling restless and depleted of any kind of motivation to do anything.

I'm not a stage where I want her out - she is most welcome to stay as long as she wants to, but something feels different. The nights have been difficult for a few weeks, in that I keep needing the loo and it's difficult to keep getting up, especially when madam can make me go up to 3 times in an hour. But now, it's more than that - a feeling of restlessness.

We flew to New York and back over the weekend. I have made Jalal promise to never allow me to fly again after 8 months. On the way there, the combination of the flight being delayed and us walking around the city gave me cankles and swollen soles which took a couple of days to go. It was painful. And ugly.

The flight back ran on time, but I couldn't wait to get off the damn plane - it was only a 2.5 hour flight. It may not have been the flight itself - I ate in the morning then all of a sudden felt ravenous again. I didn't eat again immediately which resulted in feeling awful for the rest of the day. The flight exaggerated all symptoms of discomfort I was already experiencing.

Whatever it is, I've been going through some additional changes which I am having difficulty adjusting to.

I've a feeling that the next few weeks will involve Jalal having to run around me, which is not what I want. I am feeling somewhat disabled which is frustrating.

Dogcide

2009-06-09T03:20:00.006-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Can a dog be suicidal?

Jalal's friend Brent has a big, mean, evil dog called Amadeo, weighing in at around 130 pounds. He loves Brent and Jalal, and maybe one or two other people, but aside from that, he's a miserable grumpy scary animal who generally dislikes females.

I used to feed him daily for about 1 month. I was scared of him, but brave enough to try and be nice. One day, he put his stoopid mean face on my lap and expected me to pat him, so I did, only to find my arm in his stoopid mean mouth (I really am tasty).

Jalal caught him as he did this and dealt with it. My need for empathy, bravery recognition in addition to post traumatic stress counseling was ignored. Instead, I was told I was lucky as if he wanted to hurt me, he would have done. This was just a warning. Apparently, the miserable animal had got nervous at my patting him at a pace he was uncomfortable with. Poor f***** - I had scared him!

Anyways, he was living with our 2 dogs, and the 3 of them would hang out in the house and large garden. Jalal and I moved into the house we are in now, and brought our 2 dogs with us. Brent and Amadeo moved into an apartment where Amadeo went from having 2 buddies and a garden to no friends (he'd have more friends if he was nicer) and no garden.

Turns out that a few days ago, Amadeo jumped/fell/attempted suicide from the upstairs window (some 15 feet). The window had been left partially open. Amadeo was home alone and for some reason managed to do what he had to in order to open the window and fall.

The theory goes that he was most probably barking at a dog walking by on the ground floor, leaned a little too far forward and before he knew it, he was free falling one story.

But I think he's been through such a life change that this may be deeper that what it seems... Is there such a thing as 'dogcide'?

In my defense, if any of my words appear harsh, despite missing out on being a meal for Amadeo, when I saw him at the hospital with his leg in a bandage and his dog collar thing on with him struggling to walk, I nearly cried. It wasn't long though (maybe 2 hours) before I had a flash back and I may have subconsciously thought 'that's what we call Karma'.

It's Grounds To Leave Him

2009-06-09T02:28:00.009-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I never thought I'd relocate for a guy, especially to a place I'd never been to before. Guess that's love for you.

'Florida's great' he said, 'you'll love the weather'.

What he never said was 'Oh, and we have more bugs and shit that you could possibly imagine, in fact, you will at times feel as though you are back in the heart of the Amazon'.

It's not even nearly London or New York, but that's OK because we're together, but we're not alone. The part he forgot to tell me about relates to creatures, predominantly albeit not exclusively, of the >4 legs variety.

Now, I'd been warned about the gators, but reassured that I was safe on a day to day basis. I'd also heard from my SIL who grew up in Tampa that her mum once opened the door to find a snake right there (it concerned me that the solution to this issue was to simply close the door), but, I wasn't prepared for the rest.

With the weather being so wet lately, the creatures all seem to want to come in to my house for refuge. It's not like I have a choice.

First, there were the mosquitos to get used to. With my hives combined with the fact that I am so tasty, this is most unfortunate as I am always getting bitten when out. The mosquito bites I get here seem to itch so much more intensely than those recently experienced in Thailand, Jordan and St Lucia. Why is that?

Once I began to deal with them, I came across dead creatures in the back yard that the dogs chase and sometimes kill, mainly possums and raccoons. Seeing as I would never be expected to dispose of the deceased creature myself, this is not so much of an issue, but the resulting fleas that the dogs get is my problem.

They've been bathed and treated and are flea free, however, some fleas seem to remain, and furthermore, they like Jalal's leg hair to cling on to, then they jump on to me (because I am tasty). It's kinda gross.

I started to accept fleas as an occasional fact of life, and we are being proactive by keeping the dogs in at night (because thats when they hunt), so that problem is managing itself. I think they would disappear sooner if Jalal let me shave/wax his legs, but he won't. I sincerely believe the hair on his legs makes him a more attractive prospect for them.

One night when friends were over, a big fat moth flew into the living room. It took 3 men to get rid of it. I must add that this was not our first moth intrusion, but most certainly it was the largest. I am convinced that even the men folk were freaked out.

Next, as I was putting my bath robe on post shower, something dark fell into the bath. It was a spider. I was home alone. I screamed. I jumped as quickly as a well rounded 8 month pregnant woman could and managed to remain unhurt. I then proceeded to drown the spider (how brave is that? I was about 1 foot away from it).

When I told Jalal what happened, he asked me for a description of the spider to make sure it wasn't poisonous. How is that normal? He then made sure to show me pictures of the ones I need to be wary of.

The other night, I was sat up in bed when Jalal said 'don't move'. I didn't. He came over near to my head and I sat still (and surprisingly quiet - I didn't want to know what it was). I was doing fine until he panicked and started touching my hair. That's when I screamed. It was some kind of beetle. We didn't discuss the size.

Now, in the space of 24 hours, I've seen 2 roaches. One small one, and one large one who was walking around like he owned the damn place. Needless to say, Jalal killed them both for me (one by drowning, and one with a good old fashioned shoeing).

Oh, and I nearly forgot - 2 nights ago, he casually picked up a little creature, announcing that it was a termite. And then he thought that was the end of the conversation. Termites? Really? Don't they eat your house and stuff? He said they were common in Florida and we in fact live in a swamp. That's apparently what Florida is. One big swamp.

I hate creatures. I'm a cat lover, and now a dog lover (of only our 2 dogs - all the others still scare the crap out of me). The only person I ever saved from a creature was my 4 year old niece, and even then, I had to think about how much I loved her. On the way to my house, we found a slug on my front door. We both stood there screaming for a few seconds. Usually, someone saves me, but this 4 year old is a big a wimp as her aunt. I wondered what to do. I picked her up and moved her a few feet away and then used my foot to scrape this ugly thing off the door. I think we were still both screaming. I tired to explain to her that this wasn't to be something she expects me to do for her always and she needs to look after me too.

My point is, I am the worst person he could have brought to a place like this. His friends tell us of finding toads in their loo and finding a baby snake swimming along side them in their pool. That scares me no end.

He was entirely dishonest when he failed to mention the creature situation in this city/state.

I'm slowly discovering Jalal's subtleties in his words and behavior. He's one of those husbands who says things so casually that you feel like a fool for making a fuss over it. Well, I'm on to him. There will be no more charming me into acceptance. Not really sure what I can do though expect to keep screaming when I find more creatures in the house...

In The Words Of Bobby

2009-05-28T12:05:00.002-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I have a belief that when you give a fetus a home for 9+ months and go through the highs and lows of carrying it, and on to the hoo-haa of birthing it, that by the time it arrives, you are entitled to name the baby.

We can't agree on a name. We both have a favourite. I told him to save his name for the second girl, but he's not budging much.

The only thing I have going in my favour is that at the hospital they come and ask the Mother for baby's name, and that's really my opportunity to call her whatever I want. I may just have to be this sneaky, but I shouldn't have to be, it's my prerogative after what I have will have experienced on behalf of Fred's arrival.

Maybe we will just sick to 'Fred'...

In His Defense

2009-05-28T11:58:00.002-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Maybe I was a little unfair when writing about my lack of anniversary present. I didn't mention how considerate and caring Jalal is most of the time.

His valentines present to me was a satellite navigation system so I could get out of the house and work my way around Tampa. I never thought I'd have used it as much as I did, however, my Mum and I were out a lot when she was over, and it made life easy beyond belief.

He also got me something for Mothers day from Fred which made me all weepy.

But let's not be mistaken - there is still no anniversary gift...

1.6 Pounds To Go

2009-05-27T19:20:00.002-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Its official. I weigh almost as much as my husband. I have 1.6 pounds to go, but in about 2 weeks, I will be heavier.

He is pure muscle. I am all jello and baby.

Some of my weight gain has been on my feet. Its kinda funny as my toes look stumpy, whereas usually I think I could be a foot model. My rings have gotten tighter even though my hands and fingers don't look any chubbier.

The thought of this weight balance disturbs me and I think secretly it scares Jalal. I may work on fattening him up over the next few weeks to make myself feel better...

My belly is now 2 different colors on the left and right hand sides. This is most definitely weird to observe. Apparently, its all about the hormones and should go once Fred arrives, as should the 40 pounds I will have put on :)

Ruqayyah

2009-05-27T19:10:00.004-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

On May 24th, my sister-in-law gave birth to her 3rd child, a beautiful baby girl called Ruqayyah who I have only met through Skype.

I don't have a decent picture but she is like the boys were when they were born, small (around 6 pounds), perfect and beautiful.

Jalal and I are planning to go to the Middle East with Fred, but we don't know when. We plan to head to Jordan (Jalal's family) then Syria (my family) I don't want to wait too long before I meet my new niece.

One, Three and Thirty Three Whole Years

2009-05-27T18:46:00.003-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

We celebrated (I use this term lightly) our anniversary on May 17th. I am still gob-smacked by how quickly life has changed recently.

I bought Jalal an iphone thats become his new best friend and life companion. I feel a little left out. I will have to see how things develop over the next few weeks before I decide whether or not to drown it in the loo.

Jalal bought me... oh wait... he didn't. This is apparently my fault. I took the car the day before our anniversary. Being the great planner that he is meant that because I took the car on the day he was going to get me something, he was unable to get me anything. He's known about the anniversary for 1 year, but he still waits until the last day - I don't understand. Suffice to say that he says if I want a gift for any event, it means I cant have the car the day before it so I need to plan ahead. Stoopid.

It was also the 3 year anniversary of my dads passing on May 21st, and Jalal's 33rd birthday. The past 3 years have flown by, and aside of the constant feeling of loss, I still have major guilt for moving on and being so consumed with life that I feel sometimes that I have forgotten him. Of course I haven't, but the anniversary is always additionally painful for me.

Having Jalal in my life makes everything easier (even though I still don't have an anniversary present).

Less Drama

2009-05-27T18:16:00.004-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I'm pleased to report that things are much better since my last whiney post.

Jalal is still pretty. I can't tell he fractured his face, and he seems to have healed just fine without surgery, bar a clicking in his jaw when he opens his mouth wide, but I can live with that - so can he I think...

I passed my second gestational diabetes test, but it was tough going. You test on an empty stomach, which starts off fine, but then you are confined to the vicinity of the clinic for the next 3-4 hours where they make you drink a glucose drink and then monitor your hourly for 3 hours. I had to go lie down in the car in between the tests because all I could think about was my next meal and the fact that I felt quite dizzy.

After 7 acupuncture treatments, some 3 months after my allergy started, I feel able to say that I am as cured for now as I can expect to be. I was doing really well, but reacted to a mosquito bite (not as badly as before). I've been free now for almost 2 weeks, not including the rash from the bite. Life is so much better.

All is also good with Fred. We saw the midwife this morning and my little honey is doing well. My complaint of her in these few weeks is that whilst my uterus continues to expand making it difficult for me to sit for too long because its very uncomfortable, she seems not to use the space at the top. She may as well use the space if its there, no?

6 weeks and 5 days to go...

I am guessing she will be 9-12 days late. This is based on nothing of substance, yet I am standing by it. She best not come early as we have nothing prepared yet. When they handed us the 28 week blood work results on our last visit to the clinic and told us to put them in my hospital bag, we stared very blankly at each other - thats got to be on my to-do list for next week.

We did register at the hospital though, which is some kind of progress...

35 Days Later

2009-04-14T09:28:00.025-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

This is going to be a miserable post. But I'm OK with that. I shouldn't really whine because it could have been a lot worse, but whatever, I feel like it.

Here are my list of gripes and stresses:

10 Mar:

My disgusting temporary disfiguring urticaria hive allergy appeared randomly over my body. It's unsightly, itchy and uncomfortable, and the 3rd worst attack of my life.

12 Mar:

Started taking Benedryl, but this made me and Fred drowsy. It bothered me a huge amount that she didn't dance much today. It's meant to be safe to take in pregnancy, but I really don't like not being able to feel her move. I continued this medication on and off for 10 days but am adamant not to keep doing so unless vital.

13 Mar:

My allergy proceeded to get worse, but my biggest complaint was that my left ear swelled to maximum skin stretch capacity. It felt like I was carrying a water balloon - actually - to be more accurate, it felt like one of those chewy gummy sweets - a bit like a cola bottle - fat and chewy. It's so gross.
My chiropractor recommended some natural medication to treat my allergy.
I did pass my driving test today, so it wasn't all bad.

14 Mar:

Went to Rollin' Oats, the natural food store - the woman who helped me was one of those who has a little too much information and tries to show off. She kept talking in non-customer-friendly terms, y'know like the root of the drug and crap I never needed to know - I just wanted a natural remedy for my hives. She disregarded what my chiropractor had recommended I take to help with my hives. I told her I had to be careful as I was pregnant. When I got home, I googled her suggestions - both remedies she recommended are not advised in pregnancy, one in particular is thought to cause miscarriages. Seriously, I was pissed off. I'd go back to let her know but she has that 'I am all knowing and wise' kind of attitude so it wouldn't be worth trying to educate her as she would take it the wrong way and fault me instead. Plus, she had a mustache, and if I went back in anger, I think I would have to impolitely mention it.
As a side note, ice packs totally help with the itching, followed by a liberal application of Traumeel (homeopathic cream, recommended by my chiropractor).

Next few days:

Lots of itching and gross hives all over my body.

21 Mar:

We were meant to go to my in-laws, but the allergy had spread to my hands (including palms) and they hurt. Self pity was at its max. My mum had to totally look after me. I couldn't do much - the skin was so stretched that I couldn't even bend my fingers without pain.

Next few days:

Continued spread of lurgy.
Continued misery.
Husband announced that his trainer has a fight set up for him on Monday 30th March. I didn't give him my OK to fight - I just knew he wanted to and didn't object.

30 Mar:

Husband called to say he had 6 stitches in his head from an elbow received during the fight (he said it like it was normal - it's not).
He told me he won his fight.
He then said he may have broken his eye socket - every time he blows his nose, his eyelid puffs up with air.
He said he was going to the hospital for an x-ray the next day

31 Mar:

Husband was told he had 3 fractures on his cheekbone and needed plastic surgery pretty much immediately. He was debating having the surgery in Thailand, or flying to Amman for it.
He was due to fly back to the US on 1 April, so needed to decide quickly
I, in the meantime, had visions of being a widow and raising Fred by myself. No, I didn't sleep, was majorly stressed and weepy.
Visions of beating him up as payback for stressing me were regularly in my mind.

1 Apr:

5 hours before his flight home, he had a doctors appointment to discuss surgery, which was still being advised.
Husband decided to fly back home and look at surgery options from here. I was beyond relieved.

2 Apr:

Broken husband came home. No obvious signs of his fracture were visible, just a black eye which he administered to himself before the fight. Stoopid.
I refrained from smacking him about. Instead, I cried.

Next few days:

Figuring out his treatment options - emails were being passed to and from people in the US, England, Sudan, Jordan and Pakistan. Even after a maxillofacial surgeons diagnosis of Jalal's x-rays, the need for surgery couldn't be determined until further examination.

6 Apr:

Broken faced husband flew to the UK
I went for my first acupuncture session for the allergy. The effects were immediate and my newly inflated left ear started to deflate during the session. Unbelievable!

7 Apr:

Husband landed in London and headed to hospital

8 Apr:

Husband went back to the hospital due to perceived urgency of surgery. He was given an appointment for 14 Apr, after the Easter Bank Holiday

9 Apr:

My fears of my belly button turning into an outie from a lovely innie are becoming true. Due to my bellys bagel-esque look, I was able to poke a finger pretty deep in. Now, it barely goes in 1 cm. This is my first real pregnancy complaint. I will closely monitor the situation, not that I can do anything about it. It's just that I find outies so very ugly...

Next few days:

Jalal was out and about meeting friends and being sociable in London. Thing is, I never expected him to sit at home waiting for his appointment, but I did start to feel sorry for myself, stuck in Tampa, husbandless whilst he was busy living it up in London. I know it was irrational, but I was stressed, and then I cried and was angry with him, which caused my allergy to flare up even more.

12 Apr:

My Mum left for the UK. I managed not to cry in front of her, but bawled afterwards.
My cousin called to say her mum had a seizure and was having a procedure to investigate it properly the next day.

13 Apr:

Fred is at 27 weeks (3rd trimester - whooo hoooo!!!!) - I went to the clinic for a glucose blood sugar test.
My iron is low, but manageable - the nurse tried to scare me with talk of a blood transfusion if it gets really low.
I failed the blood sugar test - it was pretty damn high. I have to go back on Friday for 3 hours of tests. If I fail again, I have gestational diabetes and need to switch clinics.
I wept in front of the midwife. I am normally very chirpy when I go to the clinic, but I was so sad today. I do weep regularly when I hear Freds heart beat, but today was different. I just felt so emotionally beat up after the month I have had, plus the allergy continues to occur, taking its toll.
The midwife prescribed a new drug to help with the hives, which I am reluctant to take as I want to see how the acupuncture works and I don't want to drug Fred anymore.
2nd acupuncture session for allergy. Not as good as first, but these things take time to work. From research, the 3rd session on average is where most results are seen.
My Aunt is as fine as can be and back to normal - she will have to take seizure medication daily, but it could have been much worse. We are blessed that she got off lightly from her diagnosis - she had the mildest version of what could have been.
My drivers license finally arrived, 1 month after having taken the test. I had my allergy on my left ear that day, which is clearly visible in my photo on the license. I have a potato ear. Its gross. I'm not vain enough to ask for a replacement licence so I can get a new picture, but it does make me feel all itchy and uncomfortable again looking at it.

14 Apr:

Husband doesn't need surgery (huge relief). He should be back with me on Saturday 18 April.
My allergy is still going strong. Much milder than before but very much there, still annoyingly itchy and uncomfortable. It's now progressed to the trunk. Its already been on my arms, legs and ears, and a few small patches on my face. Maybe once it's covered all body areas, it will go away. But it probably wont....
It's horror film weather here in Tampa. It's dark and miserable, raining with lightening and thunder. Apparently, there are tornado warnings in Tampa. I don't think I'll be leaving the house today.

I'm worn out. In between my allergy and worrying about Jalal there's been no time to mentally and emotionally rest up. I'm hoping that once he's home and I've had another 1 or 2 acupuncture sessions, everything will be back to how it should be.

And I'm praying that I don't have gestational diabetes.......

Baby Sitting Baby Mamma

2009-03-10T15:31:00.003-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Jalal is in Thailand for 1 month. We figured if he didn't go now to train, it would be another 18 months before he could even think about going (because of Fred and abandonment issues she, I or both of his girls may then have...).

My Mum has come over to keep me company. Last year, as I was stuck in the boonies in the UK, we became a lot closer (I haven't lived at home for over 17 years). Having her around again is a blessing. Its funny when I think about it - there's no one else I would be able to chill out with in the same way.

She's been teaching me how to cook Pakistani food. It's much easier than I thought. I've never been interested in the kitchen before, but now that I married a man who loves his food, especially Pakistani food, I have enjoyed learning to make things for him. I don't recognize myself these days!

As I type, I am waiting for my food mixer to be delivered. This will be used for making chapatti flour and home made bread. Dare I say that I am excited about my delivery? How I have changed....

We have also been watching some Bollywood flicks. These are usually a no-no for me, but I enjoy them once in a while with my Mum. I wanted to subject Jalal to them before he left, but he cleverly managed to get out of it.

We've also been to check out the local (9-10 miles away) halal meat shops. We've stocked up on all the spices we need and my Mum and I even put together our own version of a spice rack. It was all her idea. It was genius.

Yesterday, we went to Babies R Us. We have started to list the essentials for Fred. Again, I don't think there is anyone else I could have done this with. Even Jalal. He already tried to put this task entirely on me, making it look as though he was doing me a favour, but I was on to him...

We have been picking grapefruits and tangerines from the trees in our back garden. They look ugly but taste good. They are speckled with dust, hence the unappealing look, which nearly stopped us from trying them.

My Mum has also been a real trooper with the dogs. When I first met them, I wouldn't go near them for days, wouldn't even entertain the thought of touching them. My Mum on the other hand had made friends with them on day 1.

They know when they can and can't touch her. They obey her amazingly well, and she's not scared of them - I honestly thought she'd be worse than me. But like me, she is also weak and has to stop giving them more than 1 treat per day. Max looks at her first for her attention - he thinks she will give in and feed him, and she would if I didn't stress Jalals specific instructions for feeding them.

I am making a move now as I am going to check on my food mixer. It's almost 4 pm and there is no sign of it....

My Name Is Fred

2009-03-10T14:34:00.009-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

The past few months, specifically, all of 2008 and onwards, has been a life changing whirlwind, crazier and better than anything I could have imagined.

As much as I thought things couldn't get better, we have been blessed with the expected arrival of Fred Khantib. She is currently just over 5 months old, and due in mid July.

Of course we will be giving her a proper name when she gets here, but for now, she is known simply as Fred :)

She's been dancing a lot these past few weeks which is so comforting to feel. I can't say it's a good or a bad feeling, but it brings such comfort as I know she's busy doing what she should be. Thus far, she's been a blessing to house.

Hopefully, in a few weeks we will be able to see my actual belly move. I feel Jalal is missing out by not being able to feel her the way I can.

This picture was taken at just over 17 weeks. She should be fattening up sometime soon - she was too young to have fat at this stage.

For some reason, we both felt strongly that Fred was going to be a boy. Now that I know it's a girl, I can't stop thinking of all the girly stuff I can buy for her. I never thought I'd be having thoughts about pink stuff, but I am. I still don't like frilly stuff, but there are some modern pink and purple dresses and onsies out there, especially at Babies R Us. In fact, I have already picked out her first Little Black Dress. It's so cute - black with white and red flowers.

Inshallah, all will continue to be well with Fred.

Cilla Style

2009-02-02T18:49:00.009-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

What was meant to be a quiet dinner with Melissa and Steve on Saturday night turned out to be a surprise party for Jalal and me.

We have been meaning to get our shit together and sort something formal out as Jalal's friends couldn't make it over to the Nikah in England in May, plus we didn't do anything for our Civil Wedding in Tampa. In between Jalals schedule and things being how they are (another story), we haven't even come close to organising anything.

Everyone managed to keep this event under wraps. Melissa & Steve did a fantastic job of decorating the place with a romantic ambiance. There were even rose petals and candles (Jalal - take note). It was pretty awesome!

This picture is of Melissa and Steve, the hosts for the night. Everyone was surprised that we made it on time as opposed to Khatib time. Melissa even thought we were going to cancel due to the GSP fight later that night - but they had that fight covered and ordered too.

Could anything have been done better? Yes. In my world, there would have been more Raspberry Elegance cake left for me to munch on :)

Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate with us, and for the gifts. Jalal promised in July that he would do the 'thank you' notes in the US, but he's trying to back out of that promise now...

Thank you especially to Melissa though for all the personal touches (I know it wasn't Steve) including the pictures and the sunflower, for caring and for making me feel so welcome.

Note: "Cilla Style" refers to a show in England from yesteryear called Surprise Surprise

Big Cat Rescue

2009-01-27T20:30:00.009-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

Jalal and I went to the Big Cat Rescue in Tampa. It's located in a commercial part of town yet surprisingly stretches back out over 45+ acres.

Jalal was hoping that they would let him inside at least one of the cages to play with a big cat. Luckily, they don't allow such a thing. Apparently, they used to have some kind of animal/human contact program but due to the liability risk of something going wrong, all such interactions were stopped.

If I remember correctly, the BCR is self funded. They have local objection regarding their city location combined with the fact they house dangerous man-eating animals, thus any unfavorable press (lost limbs, children etc.) would add to the existing pressure to them having to evict their current premises.

They give a home to rescued, unwanted animals, those that can not serve in the entertainment world as they are genetically mutated or they are too old or they are unwanted pets.

Apparently, people take on these cats as pets for at the very most 2 years, after which time, they will eat you. That's often when they are no longer wanted.

It was an OK experience. The frustrating part of this place is that you have to be on a tour with a guide and a couple of volunteers who act like sheep herders and ensure you keep up with the main group. You are not allowed to venture more than several feet away from the group you are with.

I found this a little frustrating. I wanted to be able to walk around at will, and be trusted not to stick my hand in an enclosure. But then there are people like Jalal who would want to see what would happen if he stuck his hand in an enclosure...

Just Call Me Delia

2009-01-27T16:59:00.018-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

I made the best roast on Sunday for Jalal and his parents. The Yorkshire Pudding was beautiful. Thank you Delia Smith. They rose like no ones business to the perfect shade of goldenness. I forgot to take a picture as proof.

I got carried away and followed up with cup cakes. I cheated with these as I made them from a pre-made cake mix, and coated them with ready made icing (frosting). Who'd have thought you can get icing ready made in a tin? Maybe if I'd taken an interest in the kitchen before, I'd have known.

I gave half the cup cakes to my in-laws. I have been careful with the remaining half and have been good to share it with Jalal. Today, he came home as I was helping myself to another portion. After he left, as I am typing away now, I helped myself to another 2 portions. The keyboard is sticky from my icing coated fingers - I'm going to have to clean it before he gets home. I'm still hungry - I need more.

My short time in the kitchen has taught me that I have a preference for making things from scratch. I like to know what's in my food and keep it as chemical free as possible. I am torn between the convenience of pre-made cake mix versus a more natural home made one which would most likely be inferior in taste. What's a girl to do?

I have to go now as I am still hungry. I hear mash 'n' gravy calling me, probably followed by more cup cakes...

Almost Vegas

2009-01-22T15:13:00.021-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

We had our Nikah in May 2008 in England. This is the Islamic marriage, and the only one we needed to do in order to consider ourselves married (and not be beaten by our parents for being sinners).

We deliberately held off on the Civil marriage due to logistics and ensuring that we did the right thing so as not to let US Immigration think that this union was anything less than genuine.

Today is 1 year since we met, which is why we timed the Civil Ceremony as we did. The timing is thus hugely romantic, however, has the additional benefit in that it makes it easier for Jalal to remember anniversaries etc. if they are on the same day...

Our Notary was a man with a very heavy hispanic accent, which made us giggle as he didn't get our names quite right and we had to repeat what he was saying but we didn't fully understand him. He very kindly took some pictures for us.

I didn't realise that the Court House ceremony required you to say all the 'I take blah blah...' stuff. I thought you just went in and signed paperwork, and at the very most had to simply say 'I do'. Also, contrary to popular belief, we didn't need witnesses.

We picked up the license last week. You have to give it a period of 3 days in the state of Florida before you can get married if you haven't had marriage guidance prior to obtaining the license. I guess this is a cooling down period. Jalal asked about a refund if things didn't work out. They said 'No refunds'. Stoopid.

Surprisingly, neither of us felt the need to have this Civil Ceremony. If we hadn't been obliged to do it due to my status in the US, we could both have lived without it. There is no more sense of commitment now than before. The Nikah was really all we needed, but since that alone would eventually result in my deportation, we had no choice :)

We turned up in jeans and flip-flops as this was a just formality for us, so I don't know why I got all emotional and weepy. We decided that I am little soppy. Jalal, as usual, showed no emotion. What's wrong with him? Does he cry at night in secret? Or is he just a real man? Or is it me? Do I need to toughen up?......

I had looked into flights to Vegas. I thought it would be fun to do the cliched touristy thing and get hitched there, but due to time and money and the non-importance of this ceremony for us, it wasn't worth it.

I guess now we need to file the Green Card paperwork.

BTW - I am not changing my name. I have toyed with the idea as I know it will make Jalal happy, even if I become a 'Khan Khatib', but I just can't bring myself to give in to this primitive concept. Maybe if just get a 'I ♥ Jalal' tattoo.....

Lightening

2009-01-21T12:07:00.005-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

Jalal took me to my second Ice Hockey game. I quite enjoy the sport. The problem I have with this game is that I can rarely follow the puck and as a rule, have never witnessed the actual live scoring of a goal. I always have to rely on the playback, which I can live with, but it's always disappointing to miss it.

Not being a sports fan of anything other than Donny Rovers, I find the crowd enthusiasm interesting to observe. This time it was warranted as the local team had been down the whole game, but then scored 2 goals in the last few minutes, winning the game.

As much as I enjoyed the event, I was left very disappointed due to my craving for McDonalds. They sponsor the Lightening, and as you walk into the complex, there is a big McDonalds sign. There is also a McDonalds logo inside the rink. So, as I am walking in, I see the sign and started my craving.

After repeating the word 'McDolands' loudly 500 times, Jalal took the hint (or thought he'd shut me up) and we went to get some. Imagine this - there is no McDonalds there. They sponsor the team, they have their logo displayed in the same way they do on store fronts (it's the b****** ticket office) , they MADE me crave some and they couldn't deliver. Stoopid.

I'm over it now, but y'know?

You Don't Think They're Pervs?

2009-01-08T17:25:00.006-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

Have you watched the show 'How Clean Is Your House'? It's a Brit show which is also on BBC America.

It's 2 women, Aggie & Kim, who go to dirty, disgusting, filthy, minging, sick (of the in-the-head variety) peoples houses. These people are surely amongst the most dirty people you could ever imagine, living in conditions which can only be described as a self-made slums.

Aggie and Kim help them get their shit together and return the house back to a state which is more than fit to live in. Whilst I am intrigued by the show and can generally stomach watching it, aside of the usual questioning of the sanity of these f***** up people who live in conditions unfit for animals, does no one else seem wonder about the mind set of Aggie & Kim?

You see, they don't just walk in to the place and examine it with gloves and inspecting tools, no. What they do is touch and examine this filth. They run their ungloved fingers through the grime of slimy baths, they swipe their unprotected palms over dirty surfaces, they get down on the carpet and nose right up to a patch of cat vomit and more gross stuff that is stomach churning.

Does anyone else not see this as their perversion? They say they are disgusted with the state of these homes, but I don't think that's what's really going on. I think they have some kind of OCD perversion where they need to physically revel in the filth but only because they know they will be clean again. I am sure there is a medical term attached to their initial inspection behavior. Why has no one called them out on it? I can't be the only one to wonder at each episode why they have this perverted compulsion to physically touch the dirty stuff.

Today, I saw them handling a dirty pair of knickers left in the loo. Firstly, what kind of shameless person would leave their dirty knickers lying in the bathroom when they know someone is coming to the house (especially a TV crew), but let's move on from that - the sick part is - why would someone want to touch them and pick them up and then talk about how disgusted they are? Surely if you were that disgusted, you wouldn't have touched them in the first place.

I'm left mildly traumatized at this behavior, but more so as there has been no public outcry ousting their blatant social deviance.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-08T13:11:00.016-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

Happy 2009!

I'd like to think that the beginning of a New Year symbolizes a new beginning - if that's what you want. For us, to finally be together, it's a new beginning in itself. Whilst 2008

was great for us, a few other things were not so great and it will be good to compartmentalize and walk away.

New Years Eve was low key this year. As I am still feeling anti-social, I had to be taken shopping for new clothes and then coaxed into going. I'm glad I did - I had a good time.

We went to another couples house where there were a whole load of other couples. There was no bad behavior and it was all very civilized. I kept eating and trying to be sociable. Neither were difficult. It's odd though to be in CoupleLand all of a sudden. It's not a world I am familiar with.

I took home the best raspberry cake. I had eaten way to much to also stuff this cake into my person. I thought Melissa was giving me an overly generous sized slice, but can I tell you now - it wasn't enough.

I killed half of it, and with great difficulty mangaed to save some for Jalal. He shared his half with me :)

We were home by about 02:00, but then a phone call from Jalal's intoxicated buddy meant an outing to pick up what turned out to be 6 people and drop them off in 3 locations. I think it took almost 2 hours. I didn't mind. There were some interesting conversations coming in from the back...

Taking advantage of not having to work, Jalal decided to unblock the drain on New Years day. After being outside attending to whatever it is you do when you unblock a drain, he rushed inside and crouched down on the floor. He said he'd dislocated his finger. He showed it to me and it was a little lumpy on one side - that was gross enough. When I winced, he said that I hadn't seen it properly, and that's when he proceeded to bend his finger to the side - you know, not backwards or forwards, but to the side.

I swear I don't know how I managed to not pass out. Despite my insistence to go to ER, he ignored me and told me he was fine. We went to a pharmacy and got him a finger splint. He's still wearing it (I think it's for attention...), and he insists it's getting better.

I think he was lucky - if his finger had got caught up more, that drain might have been the site of his lost-finger-grave. Gross.

This was on New Years day - I checked on his finger today, 1 week later. Its kinda still lumpy and bruised. He accepts that it may not be the same, but he thinks he will be OK. I don't get this relaxed attitude about his injury. I had to make a point to tell him that if I ever got hurt in such a way, it would be unforgivable to not take me to ER (although I doubt he would, because remember how I said before that he had a mean side?).

Anyways, Happy New Year!

Another Anniversary

2009-01-02T20:04:00.002-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

2 years ago, on January 2nd, my cousin on my Dads side called me late at night to let me know my Dads brother had passed away in Pakistan. 6 hours later, in the early hours of January 3rd, my cousin on my Mums side called me to let me know that her father, my Mums brother had just passed away in California.

It was a surreal and sad moment. My own Dad had been gone less than 8 months.

We were expecting the death in California. It was a relief really as my Uncle had been suffering and it had become a matter of just waiting for him to pass. It was difficult to see him the way he had been in his last few weeks of life as it was a contrast to the man we knew, plus his discomfort was obvious.

These past 2-3 years have flown by. There's no denying that life goes on. But still some days are so very hard. It's hard to accept that things happen the way they were meant to, but acceptance is what makes it bearable.

I often feel guilty for continuing on to the point where sometimes it feels like I have forgotten or that life is too busy or I am too selfish to remember the things I can't change.

The void will always be there, no matter how I deal with things. But it's all the more painful as my life keeps moving forward and he's not there to share and celebrate it with me.

That Apple Doesn't Taste The Same

2009-01-02T19:49:00.003-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

I spent 2 weeks in New York. Thanksgiving at Mimis place with her family was as good as I had expected it to be.

Other than seeing a few key people, I didn't do much in New York. Apart from the fact that I was emotionally exhausted after months of uncertainty as to when I would get my visa sorted out, there was the physical exhaustion of the 2 weeks prior to leaving when I was running around packing and stressing about leaving for good.

The last time I left for the US like this, it was 'knowing' that I would be back in 2 years. This time, I know I will be gone for a while.

I still love New York, I still feel that buzz when I look around me, see the skyline, see the sights, see the yellow cabs, the places I used to go, but it didn't feel the same, or at least, it didn't feel like home. Again, maybe it was the net result of everything I have been through, or am going through, but part of me suspects that home now is where Jalal is.

I remember when my Dad passed away, and how it was when I came back to New York. I wasn't sure where I should be. I thought I wanted to be in New York, but my sense of obligation told me I should move back to England. As soon as I walked into my apartment in New York, I knew that's where I wanted to be, that's what was home to me then. So I stayed.

In the same way, now, home is where my heart is.

I Got A Date

2009-01-02T19:22:00.004-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

I was sad to be back home from St Lucia knowing that my source of sanity (my Mum) was away until January. I was sadder still realizing that I had 6 more days to work before my contract ran out. I couldn't face Dumb and Dumber especially as I knew from colleagues that nothing had changed.

As I checked my post, I saw that I had a letter from the US Embassy - they were calling me at last for my interview! It had taken them 6.5 months to process everything. The timing was perfect. 1 week after finishing my contract, I had to be in London for the interview. 1 week after that, I planned to be in NYC for Thanksgiving. But that was the optimistic time frame. There was no guarantee that the US Embassy would approve my visa, so I was stressed.

Fortunately, everything worked out as planned, and I was booked on a flight to NYC in time for Thanksgiving.

My last week in England was pretty stressful. I went back to London and Doncaster to see and say goodbye to people. As much as I was in a hurry to get back to the US, I hadn't done everything I had wanted to whilst in the UK.

The odd thing was that when I came back to the UK in May, I brought 2 large suitcases and 1 small one with me. When I packed to leave, I had 10 large suitcases and 1 small one. WTF? What happened? How did that happen?

I had 8 of the suitcases shipped over. They should be here in the next couple of weeks.

On the morning of my flight, my friend took me to the cemetery where my Dads grave is. I know it doesn't matter if you visit the grave or not - as long as you keep that person in your prayers, it's OK, but leaving this time, maybe becasue of the permanency, was more sad and emotional than usual.

I wish things could have been different. That he had met Jalal. That he was there for this next stage in my life. That he was still there for my Mum. I wish he was still here.

Humming Bird

2009-01-02T18:31:00.009-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

Jalal, Nish Mish, Merez, Mimi and I met up in St Lucia in October. The trip was amazing.

Jalal's parents had been there some 32 years ago and had kept in touch with Joyce, the lady who looked after Jalal when he was a baby. At the time, Joyce was working in the resort Jalal's parents had stayed at. Back in the 80s, she bought a beach property of her own called the Humming Bird which is where we stayed.

The resort has only 10 rooms and is pretty comfortable and low key. It's in Soufriere, right on the beach. It's one of those places that's a 'best kept secret' and you only go there if you have heard about it from someone else.

Jalal and I met up a few days before the others got there. We got the honeymoon suite which had the best view (although, almost every room has a great view). Apart from the view, The key feature of the honeymoon suite is that it has a fridge!

As always, the mosquitos loved me, and as always, I reacted badly, though not as badly as the bites I got in Thailand. Also, in keeping with the story of Jalal saving me from creatures (like the 1 million legged centipede thing in Thailand), one night we came back to the room having sprayed it with a lethal smelling insect killer spray, there was a substantially sized cricket type green creature throbbing away on the floor. Gross. Needless to say, Jalal got rid of it without me having to call or scream for help.

The others got there a few days later. We spent our time just hanging out in the sea, the pool, the beach (watching shooting stars), in between diving, snorkeling, sailing, volcano sight seeing, chilling in a waterfall, going to a local festival, going to Fish Fry-Day amongst other non taxing stuff.

We went to a very cool resort called Ladera. We went for the view - it's at the top of a hill/mountain, with views of both Pitons, overlooking the sea. The staff were good enough to show us around one of their villas. The rooms are fantastic! They have walls on 3 sides plus a private pool. Where there should be a 4th wall, there is nothing! The permanently open view looks on to the same 2 Pitons and the sea, yet are completely private. Whilst this is 100% without doubt awesome, not intending to be a killjoy, I should point out that the absence of a wall and being at one with nature isn't so good in hurricane season.

Jalal became addicted to the local Chicken Curry and Roti dish. He also became the most known individual in town as he kept giving money to the beggars and making friends with them. Nish Mish also made friends with them all when he turned up a few days later.

I tried diving for the first time. Bearing in mind that I can only just swim, this was a huge achievement for me. Jalal spent some time with me in the sea showing me how to go under the water, The difference between us, that he seemed to take some time to comprehend, is that whilst he is all muscle and can easily go under water, I am nothing but a floater...

I would keep trying to go under the water, and when I came back up, I'd ask Jalal how I did. He'd be laughing his head off because I'd be half under water with my arse sticking up on the surface, which is all he got to see. Stoopid.

After a few days of futile tutoring and experimentation, we decided it was best I refrain from diving, but then that woman Mimi pulled at my heart strings and I couldn't say no to her. So, I agreed to try it...

We found Chester - he runs the diving centre from the back of the Humming Bird. The man was a fantastically patient and comforting soul who took care of me the whole time we were diving. He didn't let go of me for more than 5 seconds and even understood when I practically stuck myself to him when he pointed out a barracuda in the sea whilst we were diving.

As for Mimi being beginner-ish - thats a lie. Every time I checked on her, she was nearby but about 10 feet lower hanging out doing her own brave thing.

Nish managed to ram his calf into my nose as he ungracefully went under the water. It really did hurt but my feelings of anger and self pity at Jalals amusement of my attack overtook my feeling of pain (he's a mean husband sometimes).

Merez and Jalal were always near by incase I drowned. Well, Merez more I think as Jalal kept going off extra deep and stuff whilst proving that he was in fact half human, half fish (show off...).

This holiday was the first time in months that I had felt like the old me. It was fantastic to have spent this time with Merez, Mimi & Nish.

Needless to say, the holiday came to an end and I cried like a baby when Jalal left. I did note though that I always get upset when we leave each other, yet his stone cold unemotional self never sheds a tear. Is this a man thing, or is he actually happy to be getting away from me again after 2 weeks?

I Used All My Matches

2009-01-02T18:11:00.003-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

I know we all change over time. The change for me was subtle, almost unnoticed, but being back in an environment where the change is blatant was a minor shock to the system.

It wasn't all that long ago when I was out and about every night, being sociable, meeting both friends and new people. The candle was most definitely being burned at both ends. But now I feel I ran out of candles - or at the very least, matches.

I was back in London one weekend to visit an old friend. We would go out a lot 'back in the day', right up to when I left for New York. She mentioned going out. Before I knew it, I was telling her that I couldn't handle a loud or long night out. I was shocked at my words, but even more shocked when she agreed.

As I was driving to her place, I was feeling that London ambience, but I had no desire to party, just the desire to hang out in a restaurant over good food and conversation.

I'm not complaining at this change in myself - I am merely stating my surprise. I don't think its about having settled down - I think the change is because I have been there and done that and don't feel the urge to do it anymore. Or maybe it's the funk I was in. I don't know.

The break was perfect. Apart from the bedbugs my friend had in her newly rented room...

I Forgot About The Little People

2009-01-02T17:39:00.012-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

I was planning to re-visit and summarize my activities over the past few months. I intended to start with September 2008, however, I realized that I have no memory of the month.

OK - so I thought hard to remind myself...

It was Ramadan. I kept some fasts. I was working. I was beginning to go insane. It was Mimi's and Nish's birthdays. We booked the trip to St Lucia (this became my lifes main motivational interim focus). I spent some time in London. I hung out with my cousins and aunts.

My cousin became a father of twins and my older brother had a son.

Yep, that just about sums up my September 2008...

I Escaped

2009-01-02T16:45:00.010-05:00

Posted by: Summerna

Yes, it's been a while. I have my reasons, mainly that I have been in seemingly eternal limbo and have felt lazy and quiet and sad and anti-social and fed up and uncertain and anxious for a fair bit of the time.

Before you kindly reach out to post me your Prozac, please know that it's not been consistently depressing because I've had some good times too in between this funk, such as going to St Lucia, seeing friends, hanging out in London again, making new (albeit mainly temporary) friends, started back at the gym (briefly (don't judge me - I have my reasons)), spending time and having fun with my Mum, but to summarize, I've been wanting to escape from my life.

I was lucky to get a 3 month contracting job close to home in August. This kept me busy for a while (2 days), however, I ended up working for Dumb and Dumber, having to commute to Manchester pointlessly several times a week without the use of a laptop or any network connectivity. It was truly one of the most unproductive jobs I have ever done. Still, they paid me a decent enough day rate, so who am I to complain?

I took a 2 week break towards the end of the contract which was very much needed as I was truly going insane having to be there every day. When I got back from my break, there was news of my interview at the US Embassy which was a godsend, as when I got back, my Mum was away on a rather long trip and I felt more miserable and alone than I had done in ages.

I will fill in some gaps as I write more, however, to debrief you on today, after almost 1 year of living in suitcases, I managed to escape and am finally living with Jalal :)

It Still Counts As Progress...

2008-09-05T18:52:00.003-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

My swimming is coming along slowly, very slowly, but I can now make a full length without pausing and gasping for breath. I am managing to swallow much less quantities of water via my mouth and my nose.

In keeping with my ritual of randomly choking in public, I managed that in the pool too a while ago when the pool water went down the wrong way. I had to stand by the side, choking away, praying that every one would leave me alone whilst I had my episode.

My proudest moments thus far have been made up of overtaking people in the pool. To date, I have overtaken two people, not on the same day, but whatever... The first slow coach was a lady, in her 60s... The next one was today, a humongous beast (although by US standards he may be described as "average" build) who I just FLEW past. I was very proud of myself.

This may not be a sign of progress to most people when seeing the standard of my benchmarks, though to me, it's a motivational milestone.

I have to also mention the Cougar who I have seen the past 2 days in a row with a leopard print swimsuit on. She swims with all her make up on (and there is a lot of it) and a bottle of perfume thrown over her head. I say "head" because she never lets her hair get wet, and you can smell her from a spot she passed some 17 strokes ago.

Interestingly (to me) her make up stays on her face, but its generally all blurred around her eyes. She also swims a little to the right hand side. I think this happens when you try to keep your head out of the water, but I may be wrong. Her neck is always twisted slightly to the right, and it makes sense to think this affects the rest of your alignment in the water.

I have been going after work, which does not have the same ambience as going during the daytime. When I was going in the daytime, I started to make friends with the other swimmers. They were all post retirement age, and regulars. I liked it. But that may also be because I have next to no-one to go out with here... I digress.

Also, I wonder what it takes to give you a quicker breast stroke. I think I am doing it OK, but everyone (bar those 2 people) seem to rush by me. They make it all look effortless too. Maybe I need a few more lessons.

I will keep persisting with my attempts to swim, although, I am too scared to try my version of the front crawl. I fear people may stare and comment on exactly which stroke I am trying to use to navigate myself up the pool. Plus I know this will involve swallowing copious amounts of pool water, followed by the public choke. It can wait.

Hold my Life

2008-08-21T15:37:00.002-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Hurricane Fay did me a favour - I got 2 more days with Jalal. But it had to end at some point. That point was today.

It getting harder to say goodbye each time. For some reason, these 16 days together felt like 1 month. We know each other so much better, but somehow, we knew each other already.

Every day he's here I know his leaving again is getting nearer. Every minute is spent together because you know it's all you have for a while. Everything else, and I am ashamed to say everyone else, ceases to exist. My entire life stops.

Lets be fair, I'm hardly being missed. I barely know anyone here - I have maybe 4 friends in the north (as opposed to London) that I am in touch with, none of which I have spent much time with over the past 4 years, so y'know, my life stopping affects maybe no one but myself.

The acknowledgement of this behaviour leaves me frustrated. I can't do what I want to do because I am with Jalal. I wouldn't have it any other way, yet knowing that everything else is on hold doesn't seem right.

But it's not just Jalals visit that has left me feeling this way - it actually made me realise again that I am frustrated because I am no longer in control of my life. I am waiting for things to happen before I can be with Jalal and put my bags down.

Inshallah, that will change soon.

That Stoopid Aura

2008-08-09T17:06:00.003-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

It seems I am doomed to suffer from migraines. Since I realised that I was a migraineur, things have gotten somewhat better as I am more aware of when I am having an attack.

There is a down side to this though - as things get better, i.e. my attacks are less severe, it's takes me longer to recognise the symptoms of a soon-to-be-attack, meaning that I catch the migraine a little too late, meaning without doubt that recovery will be exponentially longer.

My classic treatment for a migraine is this: get myself home, shut the curtains, get in bed after having taken a dose of paracetamol with codeine (available OTC in the UK, but sadly for me, not in the US) and a sleeping tablet. If treated early, I won't have a headache when I wake up.

Without fail though, I will wake up dopey and uncoordinated. This sensation can last for a while - meaning a few days. Usually, it's not so bad, but if I catch the migraine later, my head can hurt for up to 5 days.

But I know now, that when I feel irritable and what I can only describe as indifferent, cloudy and unfocused, it means a migraine is coming on.

I had symptoms today. I couldn't bare to listen to the radio, so I switched it off. I was staring at Jalal in a store, but behind him was a little cloudy. The lights in the store in my peripheral vision were unreasonably annoying. That's when I figured I was having the migraine aura.

We had to cancel dinner with friends. But it's not all bad. I am relaxing tonight and my Jalal is making me dinner.

I did see a physiotherapist in NYC who taught me how to stretch out my neck which I have successfully tried at home to cure my migraine, but in all fairness, when you feel like like you would like to shoot yourself to take away your migraine discomfort and symptoms, it's hard to focus on neck stretches.

I am still trying to learn to live with the migraines, am learning to recognise the migraine aura earlier, but they are always one step ahead of me and I can never win.

When Did I Cease To Exist????

2008-08-09T07:00:00.001-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

The Nikah was less than 3 months ago. Prior to that, I had my own independent life and identity. I was known as me, by my name, to the entire universe.

A friend of MINE sent a wedding invitation to me. Only, it wasn't to me. It was addressed to Mr & Mrs Jalal Khatib. He's never met Jalal. I am his friend, yet the invitation has no acknowledgement of my existence.

I know this is acceptable and in fact the norm in society, however, that's not the point. Where did I go? Why, just because of this ceremonial, or any civil bond, have I ceased to exist?

I didn't sign up to be erased or have my identity stolen just because I met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Needless to say, my Arab is happy to have received HIS invitation. It's addressed to Mr & Mrs. If we were to break up and he got hitched again before my friends wedding, he would just take his new Mrs.

I don't get it. Surely there is some group who is rebelling against this identity injustice - I am going to find them and sign up to right this wrong.

Brainless Limbo

2008-07-23T18:39:00.011-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Things are beginning to get to me.
I ate a whole bag of cola bottles by myself last night.
They weren't even that good (I prefer the regular, non-fizzy ones), but I scoffed them anyways.
Jalal had told me earlier to pace myself, but I couldn't.
I'd have eaten another 5 bags if they had been there.
That's when I realised that I am in a funk.

I have nothing to do, nowhere to go.

That's not strictly true. I have several bits of paperwork to sort out, and I have a million errands to run to with my Mum. I could help her with domestic stuff, but I don't want to be untrue to myself :). In all fairness, this is not going to kick start me out of my current state of mind.

I did spent some time learning to cook, but my attention span is limited and this new found hobby was dead within 3 days... I am pleased to document that there were no complaints of food poisoning.

I made chapatis a few times. They were not even nearly round. But they tasted good, and that's what matters.

What's that Stephen King book where some people on a flight end up Nowhere? That's how I feel, as if I am there. Don't hold me to that in its entirety though as I never watched the whole film. I'm merely trying to make a point. I am Nowhere.

Living a life that equates to standing in 'no-man's land', I am turning in to demotivated mush. My friend (let's call him Robaz, because he asked not to be mentioned) just reminded me that I am used to being on the go 100 miles an hour, 7 days a week, and now, everything has just stopped.

Every thing is on hold and I have no control.

I am OK to not walk back in to the life that I left in NYC, which is why I can not bring myself to be back in London for work right now, but there has to be some kind of compromise.

I'm not sleeping at night. I'm sure it's all related to my nothingness existence.

Jalal is here in less than 2 weeks. I have to keep reminding myself that I have that to look forward to, and that my situation right now is temporary. Which is why I am in 'no man's land'....

I did start back at the gym. I am taking things easy due to the surgery (and whatever other excuse seems fit at the time - for example, today, my legs were still sore from 2 days ago...). But it's so very hard to stay motivated.

We went to see my Mum's friend today. I had a really good time hanging out at her place. We chilled out and had chai and samosas. Aunties samosas were smaller than what is pictured - I had about 3, followed by some cheese on toast with chilli that she made for me. Hmmmmmm (I get it - I am comfort eating)

I didn't want to come back home. I needed the change of scenery. What saddens me is that my Mum's friend lives in Dewsbury and I considered this a good change of scenery....

I know what it is. It's not necessarily the act of doing nothing. I am long due this break. What's killing me is that my brain is jobless.

Like Ms Bates in Misery, I may not let Jalal leave once he gets here...

HELP ME

I Can Still Feel It

2008-07-23T18:23:00.007-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

So, its been 3 weeks since the surgery.
I feel 95% back to normal.
My scars are ugly and a little tender.

I feel (and this thought totally grosses me out) that if I pull the skin either side of each scar, they will split open. Why I have these thoughts, I can not tell you, but I do, and they make me flinch.

Aside of these thoughts, I have another hernia related concern:

The hernia repair was needed because I have a hole in my stomach wall.
This hole was not stitched back together.
Instead, the surgeon put a layer of mesh in between my insides and my stomach wall.
This still leaves the hole right?

I can still feel what I believe to be my insides through the hole that wasn't stitched up.
It's not an uncomfortable feeling any more - it's just that if I stick my finger where the hernia used to be, I can still feel the lump/bulge thing through the mesh.
That's what I think it is anyways.

You don't need to remind me that I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't help myself.

It doesn't really worry me - it just concerns me.

One may argue that I have too much time on my hands.
But I would like to know what's going on.
I am meeting with the surgeon in a few weeks....

Cheap Foreign Labour

2008-07-23T18:10:00.006-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

It seems that the fashion to outsource cheap labour from abroad has caught up with Jalal.

I've been acting as a secretary for him. He will tell me what is needed, dictate certain requirements, and generally speaking, within a few hours, he has what he's looking for.

I'm not getting paid.
Am I being exploited?
Is it because I am brown?

Note to Jalal: Honey, the flowers died.

She Laughted At Me...

2008-07-11T08:24:00.013-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Mimi called me the other day. I was out shopping with my mum. It was maybe 5 days after my surgery. She asked why I wasn't at home, tucked up in bed recuperating. I felt very brave when I told her that light exercise (walking) was good for me as it helps speed up recovery.

We then went on to discuss my wounds. I was telling her how I hadn't dared to look at the wounds as the dressing was being changed because I was scared.

I then told her that my biggest scar was 1.2 cm. That's when she laughed at me. She now refers to them as my 'pin pricks' and isn't taking me seriously. She even said 'do they sell band-aids small enough to cover them? hahaha'

What makes this lack of sympathy additionally painful, is that I have also had to listen to Jalal saying stuff like 'well, darling, in my surgery.....blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.......'.

I don't think he took my surgery fears seriously. In all fairness, comparing like-to-like, his surgery was way more serious. But it's not like-for-like is it? Not in real life. That was his story, his surgery and this is my story, my surgery - it's specific just to me, to what I know. And just because he was all man-enough for his oh-I-nearly-bled-to-death-internally encounter doesn't mean I am able to see my being cut open in the same matter of fact manner, and I certainly can't compare the two.

This picture shows two of my scars. I know by publishing this I am risking further mockery, however, they are real, my first proper ones, and they have caused me pain.

The one below is the largest of the 3 scars. It's the opening they used to put the camera through. You see, to me, that sounds painful. Whatever.

I couldn't get a clear picture. Not sure why. Before you say it Mimi - it has nothing to do with needing more zoom. Cheeky.

Airplane Food

2008-07-07T13:29:00.010-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Cousins got me thinking...

Jalal and I both like airplane food. Knowing that we share this fetish really pleases me. I know it means that we were meant to be together...

I really look forward to the snacks and meals on the flight. What upsets me though, is not having a food schedule. I would really like to know ASAP when they will give me what. This would give me time to organise myself. I could plan when to watch a film, nap, go to the loo etc. They don't even have to give me menu details - I just need the high level details:
1. Is it a snack or a meal?
2. When is it?

I could just tell them to wake me up if I am sleeping, but since I discovered Ambien, this is a cruel choice for me to have to make.

Mimi's checked her flight menu on-line before so she knows before she gets on the plane what shes having. I think this is great. But they also need to tell me **when**.

My most disappointing flight was flying British Airways business class from NYC to London on the red eye, and discovering that the meal was available in the lounge BEFORE we boarded the plane. That really did put a damper on my flight home. I just didn't get the point of that. My meal enjoyment was almost non-existent.

Jalal's actually worse than I am (that's my personal opinion). I think he's the type to wait or be woken up for his food, ignoring the need for a nap etc. I, however, am willing at times to forgo my flight food. You see, on most flights, in fact, as a general rule, I will prioritise Ambien over food.

What I **could** do, if I knew about a schedule, is administer myself a suitable dose of Ambien as required in accordance with the next scheduled food serving. But this is just silly and impractical. The anxiety of knowing whether or not I had taken the correct dosage of Ambien so as to wake up for the next food break would stress me out far too much and I just wouldn't be able to sleep in between. And I don't like wasting my Ambien....

I find flights which do not provide food most annoying. Nothing I am possibly able to bring on the airplane myself could ever satisfy me in the same way as their own food during a flight. I have the same gripe with the airlines who charge you in-flight for their food. They make me feel cheap. I would much rather have the price of it all included in my ticket.

For Cousins sake, I promise to reevaluate should I ever fly with Singapore Air (is that the right one cousin?). But you know, in my eyes, I think the good will always outweigh the bad in this particular case.

Because He Wasn't There

2008-07-03T19:01:00.006-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

You do know that you can not be held responsible for a conversation you've had on morphine right?

I spoke with Jalal after the operation - just after they had brought me in from the recovery room. Apparently, he said to call him when I woke up. Me, being me, was waiting for some love and attention and waited all day for him to call me again. He did of course, but it was late and I was upset and grumpy, feeling neglected.

He reminded me about the conversation we had had. But I was on drugs, and only recently stitched back together. It wasn't fair of him to expect me to recall the deal we made.

Anyways, after some 'you don't care about your wife being cut up' kind of stuff, everything was back to normal. I think what actually happened was that the nurse gave me a rather large amount of codeine and I couldn't remember who I was anymore, and I remember telling Jalal that I had to go because I had to go...

Back at my mums today, the door bell rung. I heard someone struggling to pronounce the name of who this delivery was for: Ateeb, Atib and finally, a Khateeeeeeeb. I could hear my mum about to say that there was no one by that name here. And then he said, Summereeeeeena Khateeeeb. And then we got it. Someone was using my Mrs name.

My mum had to unwrap the box they came in. I didn't know who they were from until my mum told me what kind of flowers they were. And then I knew - my Jalal had sent me flowers. There was a note saying he wished he could be with me to look after me.

Suddenly, it was OK - I was able to accept that he hadn't been with me through my ordeal. But then the codeine wore off..... I love my flowers, but I also miss my Jalal.

It Wasn't That Bad

2008-07-03T18:15:00.004-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I had my surgery yesterday. I had to be at the hospital at 7 am. I figured they would be done with me by 9 at the latest, and I would be home by midday.

We got there on time (my mum had to come with me because I am a wimp). I saw other people arrive alone and in control of their emotions. Whatever. I was then led away by a lady who was far too happy. She was telling me about her 12 hour shift. She was beaming. She was, very obviously to me, stealing happy pills from the hospital.

The nurse came in to give me all the pre-operation checks. The anesthetist came in, and then the surgeon himself. Because you hear stories all the time, I made sure that we all knew what they were doing to me that day. I made sure to ask my surgeon if he slept enough the night before, so he was prepared and ready to go. He was more prepared than I had expected and actually drew stuff on my belly. He also told me that they may be putting dissolvable screws in me, but it all depended on the rep from that particular company turning up.

The stressful part for me was being taken to the anesthetic room. This is the moment I had feared more than anything. Will I ever wake up? Denial had held me together for the past few weeks, and I was praying that I wouldn't fall apart and run out of the room. Because I really was capable of doing that.

The guys there were actually very nice. I told them I was nervous. They were kind enough to keep talking to me to keep me occupied whilst they did their thing. The anesthetist asked me if I was married to an Asian* guy. I told him that my other half was half English and half Palestinian. He found this interesting in context of what our kids would look like. I was honest with him and told him about my fear of having ginger kids seeing as my mother-in-law is a red-head. I forget how he responded as I was out cold pretty soon after.

The drugs kicked in pretty quickly. I was unable to speak - being stubborn, I remember trying several times, but I could only hear myself making incoherent sounds and my mouth felt all useless.

Next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. Luckily and surprisingly, I had managed not to dribble. I think I was the most chirpy person in recovery, but that was after I asked for pain killers and they gave me several spurts of morphine. I didn't think I would make it this far. Silly in context, I know, but this was my first time....

I was back with my mum for about 11, after a 40 minute operation. As they wheeled me around in my bed on the way back to my room, I told the nurses on the way that I felt as if I was in ER. They told me there were no George Clooneys in their hospital.

I had to get more pain killers as I felt like I'd done 5,789,398 crunches.

After that, I was pretty much OK in terms of pain. I had low blood pressure, dizziness and nausea. I wasn't much better by late afternoon, so the nurse advised to me to stay the night. Thing is, as much as I like airplane food, hospital food is a close second. So I stayed.

My brother came round with some stuff. He kindly wrapped the cords for the light, the get-the-nurse button and bed adjustment controls on the arm of a chair so I'd be able to access them all night. I'm glad he did as I used all of them.

I felt much better the next day. But I was still in pain and discomfort. The surgeon popped by and I was complaining to him about being cut open. He said that my procedure meant that I wasn't actually cut open. But I have 3 holes in my belly that prove, in my eyes, otherwise. Whilst I may not have a gaping long incision on my person, they still made 3 holes in me, shoved in a camera , tools, mesh and screws and more stuff that I don't want to know about.

My mum came back for me the next morning, just after breakfast. The nurse had to change my dressing. I couldn't watch as she peeled the existing dressing off. My mum looked and said that it wasn't bad, but seeing as the idea of what just happened to me leaves me traumatised, I think I can wait to take a peek. It goes without saying that it will be my mum changing my dressing as and when its required, as I am still in denial.

By the time I walked to the car (it took me 10 minutes to walk what should have been a 3 minute journey) and rode 15 minutes with my mum, I was beat.

I've been in and out of little naps all day. The pain is much better today, but I feel as though all my organs and insides on the top right of my ribcage are all squashed up, and I have pain there. Its made it hard to speak sometimes. It takes a fair bit of stretching slowly to get better. I also have a temperature again - I will keep my eye on that.

Its hard to walk. Its hard to move. I can't talk loudly. Sometimes it hurts to talk. My shoulders hurt. The nurse told me that they pump air into your body so they can make room and see where everything is. This air is still in your body after the operation, and its common for it to get to your shoulders and cause pain. That's where I'm at. My shoulders hurt. Light exercise apparently helps, and I have tried to be up and about, but in between the pain , nausea, naps and random moments of self pity, I remain exhausted.

So much for being back at the gym....

*Asian in England refers to people like me, people of Indian/Pakistani descent.

Minor Surgery

2008-07-03T18:11:00.005-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I now believe there is no such thing as 'minor' surgery. I learned, just before my surgery, that recovery for my procedure is around 2 weeks. When people say 'minor', and throw in the fact that you can leave within a few hours of coming round from anesthetic, I assumed that you'd be back to normal in a day or two. I had visions of being at the gym (albeit walking slowly on the treadmill) in 2-3 days (I actually thought it could be sooner, but I threw in a few days of absenteeism due to self pity). I was wrong.

Had I read the brochure fully, I would have known about the 2 week recovery period. Had I surfed the web, I'd have been equally as well educated. But I have chosen to pass the time leading up to the operation in denial. Its worked very well for me thus far. The only shock has been discovering the differences in interpretation of the word 'minor'.

That Hernia

2008-06-22T18:47:00.000-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

We all have our stresses in life. One of my current stresses is my upcoming keyhole surgery for my stoopid 'I poke out when you eat too much' hernia.

Yes, I am very scared.

No, I don't care that apparently my fears are somewhat irrational. Its how I feel.

Its meant to be a pretty minor operation that will leave me with titanium and mesh in my body. Inshallah, everything will go well, and I will be able to get back to working on my six-pack in no time at all....

He's Gone

2008-06-22T18:42:00.002-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Jalal is back in Florida, and I am in the UK.

Skype makes things much easier, but its still not easy. Emotional stuff aside, even making sure you get to talk and see each other every day with the time difference is not so easy.

This will be a tough few months...

The good news is that:
1. I can see on Skype that Jalal is wearing his ring :)
2. I don't have to get up an hour earlier than I want to....

Back in London

2008-06-22T18:34:00.003-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Over the next 4 days, we had dinner with friends (thanks for organising it all Dabs), saw Jalals family in London and drove up to Leeds to see my family. We managed to spend 1 evening alone, the night before Jalal flew back to Florida.

The Trip - Part 3

2008-06-22T17:49:00.006-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Amman: I won't lie and say I wasn't stressed, because I was. I knew I'd be meeting about 573 of my in-laws, including the lady herself, Tayta - Jalal's granny.

To say that Jalal has a large family is in my eyes an understatement. Apparently, if you get the whole clan together, we are looking at around 200 people. Considering the fact that I am not used to being around family, especially of the extended variety, the prospect of meeting hundreds of Khatibs and their children was rather daunting.

I honestly needn't have worried. I was firstly beyond impressed at the fact that everyone except Tayta spoke English, and excellent English at that. It made my life SO much easier, although, impressively perhaps only in my eyes, I now have a 10 word English-Arabic vocabulary (bread, cheese, yogurt, olive, tea - OK - maybe just a 5 word vocabulary....).

Sidenote: I never accounted for the fact that when I learn Arabic from Jalal, he pronounces everything with his version of an Arab accent, which is not necessarily 100% of the time the true accent of the Arabs.... so I had to double check every word he taught me with a proper Arab (note to Jalal: sorry Honey.... its not that I don't trust you...).

I also had some Arabic reading lessons from Aboud, the 8 year old. I don't think he fully grasped the fact that I had no understanding of words, and that I struggle to read Arabic. I think he just thought I was a bit thick.

The next thing that took me by surprise was how comfortable it was to be with all of Jalal's family. Despite the fact that they were all still talking Arabic to each other, I didn't feel awkward or 'new'. I felt as if I was with family.

They are all exceptionally hospitable, polite, kind and patient. At least they were on this first meeting :)

One of Jalals aunts and Tayta made me Malfouf one day. I LOVE this stuff. Mimis mum makes it and it rocks. This is one of those dishes whereby it takes you time and a half to make, yet its devoured and gone in minutes. I had mentioned my obsession with this food on day 1, and on day 2, there it was!

We had a family party one night. I am not sure exactly which family were invited, but it was only 70 of the 200. A lot of these people didn't speak English, but it was all good. Jalal's family had hired tables and chairs for the garden - it was all really well done and looked great.

Jalals cousin Amro and his friend Nadeen had taken us shopping earlier that day for me to get a dishdash (at Jalal's request). This was a bit of a mission for me - I kinda knew what I thought was OK or not in my eyes, but who knew if the locals would have thought I had such poor taste in dishdashes (first impressions and all that...). Jalal and I agreed on a pretty simple one which Nadeen also approved of. That was all I needed really - the boy and a local lady were happy.

Note to all non-Arabs: there is no such thing as a mini-dishdash :)

My only issue in Amman was Tayta trying to make me eat and eat and eat until I exploded. When I finished what was in my plate, Tayta would make Jalal put more food there. I thought this would happen only once at every meal, but I was mistaken. When I finished plate 2, Tayta would make Jalal top up my plate again. Finishing plate 3 meant that plate 4 was on its way, etc.

No one argues with Tayta. Ever. So, I kept eating. Jalals six-pack slowly started to disappear. As for me - well, I just got rounder. Jalals 10 year old cousin kept talking about the little baby in my stomach. She wouldn't listen to me saying 'Listen kiddo, it's just fat'. Sadly, she will be disappointed in a few months time when there is no baby.

The second disappointment was learning that 'Khatib Time' is not merely a myth.... I wonder if I will ever be able to change Jalal's thought process regarding punctuality. Admittedly, I am not in a position to complain too much about this as Jalal was actually early for our Nikah.

The Trip - Part 2

2008-06-22T17:15:00.002-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

It became a bit of a mission remembering what day it was and how much longer we had left at the resort. The days did blur into one another, and in between random naps, time seemed irrelevant.

I learned some things about Jalal and myself. For instance, I learned that when he wakes up every day 2 hours before I feel like getting up, I feel guilty and get up about 1 hour later, being deprived of an additional hour that I REALLY want, but worry that he may think he got stuck with a lazy cow... The hour it takes me to get out of bed is not an hour enjoyed. Its full of guilt, dilemma and the odd curse. Its a cruel hour.

We were staying in a beach hut, which had a mirror image of itself next to us. Our neighbours changed several time over the course of the time we were there. The first couple left us their lilos. We went out on them a few times. At first, I was alongside Jalal, moving my arms in the water trying to keep up with him, but I soon found it was much easier holding on to his lilo or foot and letting him put in all the effort whilst I took it easy and I cruised along behind him.

I did try to reciprocate the effort a few times but not surprisingly, it wasn't as relaxing.... I also had an issue touching the seaweed, so it made sense for Jalal to keep doing what he had been.

We also canoed over to the next beach, Haad Rin. It took longer than I expected and was totally worth the effort. Jalal had initially mentioned going 3 beaches over but I think that would have been way to adventourous. The next day, we took a fan-tail to another of the beaches so Jalal could train (while I chilled out in a cafe on the beach) and thats when I realised that I really wouldn't have made it an additional two beaches further up by canoe.

We hired a moped for a few days too. This is not really something I was comfortable doing, more so because Jalal refused to wear a helmet. Being weak for him, I gave in and off we went round the island. We ended up eating at Salad Beach. This place was pretty cool. Very chilled out - not dissimilar to where we were staying, but more relaxed.

Aside of the above, we ventured over to the resort next door - it was a backpacker type of place. They had an outdoor lounge area where they played films every night and you could eat there too.

That was really all we did.

We headed back to Bangkok for a couple of days. We stopped in Koh Samui for a few hours and hung out at the beach. That was kinda cool. They had bars/ restaurants with seating on the beach with low height tables and Thai cushions, so you could lie down and chill out by the water.

Bangkok on the return journey was all about getting Jalal his suit and chilling out some more. Mission accomplished. The suit should be en route to Florida as we speak....

Next stop: Amman. Meeting the family....

Monkey Hair

2008-06-08T13:05:00.001-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Would you believe it, this monkeys hair felt just like Jalals?

Half Moon Party

2008-05-29T06:41:00.001-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I wasn't looking forward to this. I was convinced that the beach would be crowded with people some 10-15 years younger than myself, hammered, drugged up and weeing on whatever they fancied.

Luckily, perhaps becasue its out of season, it was a very chill night on the beach. The party beach is maybe a 10 min walk from where we are.

There were only a few people, no crowds. The DJ near where we were was playing trance music and there were a couple of fire-performers near by. We just sat there and took it all in.

We would have taken pictures, but we left the camera at the hotel....

We could see lightening in the distance for quite a while. As I was in need of another loo visit, and I knew I couldnt use that public 'clean' (that was a lie) toilet again, we would have to go back to the hotel. Seems our timing was great as just after we got in, the heavens let loose and there was heavy rain for ages.

Oh - when I got back to the loo, there was a creature in the bathroom. It looked like a large worm, but Superman Jalal told me it was just a centipede (long enough to have 5 million legs). It was about 8 inches long. I would have screamed had I been home alone with this creature....

Needless to say, Jalal got rid of the creature (without killing it I might add (despite my chants insisting otherwise)), and the world was at peace again.

The Trip - Part 1

2008-05-29T06:39:00.002-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Firstly, I'd like to tell you that my finger tips are sticking to this nasty keyboard. Lord only knows whats been dropped on here in the past. Ew.

We left for Thailand a few days after the Nikah. We flew to Bangkok via Amman. It was a long flight. Anyways, seeing as I like airplane food (as does Jalal), there was always the next meal to look forward to.

I also managed to avoid choking and vomming on the flight, which considering my recent choking outburts is quite an achievement.

We stayed for a few days in Bangkok. The whole plan was for Jalal to train at Fairtex, buy some equipment for his gym and for him to get a suit made. As it happens, we only managed task 1.

I woke with my allergy one morning - we are still debating if this was the allergy in general, or in fact, and allerigc reaction to being bitten. Who knows.

After 3 nights in Bangkok, we headed out to Kho Phangan (I promise to check my spelling later....). The trip is a bit of a mission. A flight to Kho Samui, a boat ride to Kho Phangan plus 3 taxi trips.

The trek was worth is as the hotel is great! We have a beach front suite at the Sarikitang Resort. The resort is pretty stylish but low key. We are away from the loud beaches and backpackers (I know, I know - what a snob).

We've just been chilling out and doing just about nothing. Well, thats a lie - Jalal is training right now, and I am busy typing away, but for the most part, I have been in a semi-comatic state. I'd tell you how Jalal is, but in my lazy haze, I forget to ask him how he is....

Marital Advice

2008-05-29T06:30:00.000-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Now, I can't mention names, but I can tell you the rest:

Listen to and obey your husband for the first 2 years. After that, once you are in a good position can you begin to do things your way
If you ever argue, go and put on a nice dress, some light make up, and go for a walk outside. Once you get home, both of you will have calmed down and be in a better mood.
Never let another woman into the home. 'She can never be trusted' was what I was hearing. Of course Mimi - I thought of you - I've got my eye on you :)
Your relationship with your single girlfriends will change, but they wont understand, because they don't have husbands.
Have babies as soon as you can. A job and money don't matter - the fact that you won't be together for a few months doesn't matter. Just get pregnant.

I am sure there is more, but I can't remember right now.....

It didn't seeem to matter that we have a very respectful relationship, that inshallah will stay that way. The mind games are so unnecessary.

I do value the advice of elders, I really do, but the reality is that in their minds, a woman is always meant to be submissive and lucky to have a husband (even if he's an idiot). I have a problem with that.

Post Nikah

2008-05-29T06:23:00.003-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

After the Nikah, we stayed in Leeds for a few days. I'm glad that my family got to spend time with Jalal, and also, that I got to spend time with the family who had traveled to make it to the Nikah.

The main reason we stayed was that May 21st 2008 was the 2 year anniversary of Abus death. Jalal and I wanted to visit the cemetery, and I wanted to be with my Mum.

An anniversary is just another day. It seems forced to remember someone because it happens to be X many years since the event. But I still wanted to be home.

It was also Jalals birthday. We didn't do anything special to celebrate, but he did make us all dinner. Khatibs special Strogonoff (I know I need a spell checker.... later...). I cant tell you how impressed the Aunties were. This goes against marital advice I was offered pre-Nikah....

What Jalal Really Meant...

2008-05-29T06:20:00.002-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

Jalal asked me a while ago if we could document our lives together.

I thought it was a great idea. I still do, but why do I get the distinct impression that what he meant to say was: Please could **you** make sure **you** document our lives together?

Hmmmmm.....

The Thing With Culture

2008-05-29T06:09:00.001-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

It's sad that Culture can overtake a persons right to be themselves. I don't mean to harp on about negative experiences that I observed whilst planning the Nikah, but I do feel obliged to mention it.

Why is it that everything has to be done a certain way to please other people?
I understand that I have an obligation to keep certain people happy, for example, my Mum, but how and when does that potentially huge circle of people I am meant to please ever end?

You would think when planning your Nikah, people would be bending over backwards to make sure the Bride and Groom got what they wanted, but it really doesn't work that way. I get that this is probably something experienced in many cultures, however, what I found in mine was that my opinion was not respected by a select few.

I am unsure if this is perhaps more about control, but it most certainly is about a lack of respect.

I take what I like from my culture. Its not all negative, however, recently, its left a bitter taste....

The Nikah

2008-05-18T06:04:00.020-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

For reasons known to just about everybody, I wanted to have the Nikah in my parents house in Doncaster. After talks with my Mum and Jalal, the plan came together.

The amazing thing was peoples reaction to the location. The people who know the house, the people who have known our family for a long time all said that having the Nikah there was 'the right thing to do'. So many people said that the ambience the house used to have, before my Dad passed away, is still there. They all have fond memories of the huge dinner parties we used to have. We haven't lived there for almost 2 years now.

The day was just about perfect, plus most of the people I wanted there made it. The obvious missing people were my Dad, Fuad, Monica and my two favourite men, Yusuf and Matin.

Bushra and Baba (Jalal's dad) both did excellent speeches. Bushras brought me to tears, in between the laughing. She also said a few words about my Dad which were perfect - he was very much missed.

Abu had been waiting for this day for a very long time, and nothing would have made him happier than to see me getting married.

Baba went on to make us all laugh with his speech. I think he only offened 1 person, but most importantly, he announced that Bushra was up for sale. I need to discuss this further with her... (Note to all: Bushra is not a dwarf. It just so happens, in this picture of us, that I has my heels on and she was barefooted).

The cake was beautiful and delicious. All 3 layers were different flavours. I wish I had saved more of the middle layer, lemon, because that's my favourite.

I am appreciative of my Mum who let me do things my way. And for my Aunts, who in hindsight, were the backbone of keeping it all together. And to Bushra, Mimi, Bisma & Nida who were looking out for me. Oh, and to Jalal for turning up (early).

The Night Before The Day

2008-05-17T16:00:00.002-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

I was concerned as to how this night would turn out. Our families were meeting for the first time. Added to that minor stress, there was the threat of dinner being overtaken by traditional singing and dancing, which really isn't my cup of tea.

Luckily, the evening turned out to be a social gathering where everyone interacted with everyone else, without all that traditional hoo-haa.

The meeting of my people with his people went well.

I apologize to my cousins who I believe were forced into some minor slavery - I'd have been there for a rescue had I known... I feel ashamed now as I realize that I SHOULD have known in advance what was being planned for you.

The Khantibs

2008-05-17T15:00:00.001-04:00

Posted by: Summerna

As of May 17th 2008, we (semi) officially exist!